12-Mark Essay: Developing Your Skills

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How to Read Your Feedback

The grade on your work is a Projected Grade. It is not your final mark, but an assessment of the skills you have demonstrated. It estimates the score you could achieve in a full-length essay if you applied these same skills consistently throughout. The feedback is designed to help you develop these skills further.

This shows an argument FOR the statement.

This shows an argument AGAINST the statement.

This shows your Conclusion or overall Judgement.

Class Overview: 7C/SEB

Overall Strengths

Good Structure: A majority of students successfully attempted a balanced structure, writing about both sides of the argument before concluding. This is a great foundation.
**Use of Evidence:** Many students correctly identified the importance of the UDHR and some even cited specific articles (like Article 30), which is an excellent way to support an argument.
**Clear Judgements:** Most answers finished with a personal conclusion that directly answered the question.

Areas for Development

Developing Points with Examples: The main area for improvement is moving from stating a point to developing it. Many arguments were simple assertions without a specific "for example..." to make them concrete and convincing.
Considering Nuance: Many answers took an 'all or nothing' approach. The most advanced responses considered proportionality – the idea that the consequence should fit the irresponsibility (e.g. losing *some* rights for serious crimes vs. *all* rights for minor mistakes).
Explanation of Reasoning: Students often stated a good point but didn't explain *why* it was important. Adding a "this means that..." or "this is important because..." sentence is crucial for developing analysis.

Actionable Next Steps

Introduce 'P.E.E.L': A dedicated lesson on the Point, Evidence, Explanation, Link (P.E.E.L.) structure will provide students with a clear framework for building developed paragraphs instead of just listing ideas.
Scenario-Based Debates: Use scenarios to encourage more nuanced thinking. Pose questions like: "A doctor is late for work vs. a doctor amputates the wrong leg. Should the consequences be the same?" This will help them grasp the concept of proportionality.
Model Answer Analysis: Deconstruct the model answer as a class. Focus on how it uses examples and explains its reasoning, and contrast this with some of the simpler answers in the batch to make the 'next step' clear.

Model Answer

12/12

How to get full marks

'People should lose their rights, if they do not fulfil their responsibilities (If they do not do the right thing)'

Model Answer Breakdown

The question of whether rights should be conditional on responsibilities is a fundamental debate about the nature of justice.This opening sentence shows a strong understanding of the topic and uses sophisticated vocabulary.

On one hand, it can be argued that rights and responsibilities are two sides of the same coin.This is a clear topic sentence for the 'for' argument. The right to live in a safe society, for example, depends on every citizen fulfilling their responsibility not to harm others.This uses a specific example to make a clear point. Therefore, when a person commits a serious crime like murder, they have broken this social contract. In this view, taking away their right to liberty by sending them to prison is a logical and just consequence needed to protect society.This explains the reasoning behind the point, making the argument well-developed.

On the other hand, the principle of universal human rights suggests that rights are inalienable and cannot be taken away, regardless of a person's actions.This is a clear topic sentence introducing the counter-argument. This is enshrined in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR), which states that all people are born free and equal.This uses specific evidence (the UDHR) to support the point, adding authority. From this perspective, even a criminal retains their fundamental rights, such as the right not to be tortured. To deny this would be to suggest that some people are less human than others, which is a dangerous path that could lead to abuse of power.This explains the negative consequences of the opposing view, which is a high-level skill.

In conclusion, while it is necessary to remove certain rights like liberty as a punishment for serious crimes, I believe that fundamental human rights must always remain protected.This conclusion is nuanced. It doesn't just agree or disagree but offers a sophisticated middle-ground. A just society is not defined by how it treats its best citizens, but by how it treats its worst. Stripping people of their basic human dignity, no matter their actions, is a form of cruelty that ultimately harms society as a whole.This final sentence provides a powerful, philosophical justification for the conclusion.

Candidate 97128

6/12

'People should lose their rights, if they do not fulfil their responsibilities (If they do not do the right thing)'

Transcribed Answer

Some people may strongly agree with this statement because if your not going to fulfill your responsibillities why should you be treated equally to people that acually do fufill their responsibilities and get rights such as education and shelter which would be like criminals having freedom.This is a very strong and well-explained argument for the 'agree' side, based on the concept of fairness and equality of effort.
However, some people may strongly disagree with this statement because all people should be treated with fairly and not lose their rights even if they dont fufill their responsibilities because not having acsess to a right would cause a serious repercussion.Good - you have a clear counter-argument that explains the dangerous consequences of losing rights.
To conclude, I personally believe that this statement is false because if that happened the repercussions would be bad and this statement is unfair and evil.A clear conclusion that gives a strong, decisive personal judgement.

Strengths

You have a perfect essay structure: for, against, and a conclusion.
You explain your reasoning very clearly for both sides of the argument.
You use strong vocabulary, such as "absurd" and "repercussion," which makes your arguments more powerful.

Targets

Your points are very good but are a little abstract. The single best way to improve is to add a specific "for example..." to each of your main paragraphs.
What is a specific responsibility someone might not fulfil? What is an example of a "serious repercussion"?
This is a very well-written and well-structured answer. Adding specific, real-world examples will elevate it to the top marks.

Here's an example of how to strengthen a point:

Your point about "serious repercussions" is great. You can make it even stronger by providing a specific example:

I disagree because not having access to a right would cause serious repercussions.This is your original, strong point. For example, if a person lost their job and could not fulfil their responsibility to pay bills, taking away their right to shelter would make them homeless.This new part provides a specific and powerful example of a repercussion. This would be an unfair and cruel consequence for something that may not have been their fault.This explains why the consequence is unjust.

Candidate 21769

4/12

'People should lose their rights, if they do not fulfil their responsibilities (If they do not do the right thing)'

Transcribed Answer

My point for agree is that people have had too many chances. Evidence suggest they, have had two months to pay the rent. And they haven't payed their rent. My explanation is that they have given two months to pay your rent and, you haven't so you've lost your house and human rights.This is a fantastic paragraph. You've created a specific scenario and used the Point, Evidence, Explanation structure perfectly to argue your case.
My point for disagree is that this is the first time they messed up and forgot to pay their rent. Evidence suggest that she has payed but she payed rent late. My explantion is that they have now lost their human rights just because of one thing.Excellent - you are now showing balance by looking at the same scenario from the opposing point of view.
My conclusion is that you shouldn't lose your human rights for not paying your rent.A clear conclusion that gives your final judgement on the scenario.

Strengths

Your use of a single, detailed example (paying rent) to explore both sides of the argument is a very effective and sophisticated technique.
You have a perfect structure, including a clear conclusion.
You naturally use the Point, Evidence, Explanation structure in your paragraphs.

Targets

The question is about fundamental human rights (like the right to life, freedom from torture) rather than just housing rights. Your example is great, but you need to connect it to these bigger ideas.
Does someone who loses their house also lose their other human rights? Is this fair? Exploring this would elevate your answer.
This is a brilliantly structured and argued piece. The next step is to apply this same excellent technique to the bigger, more fundamental human rights.

Here's an example of how to strengthen a point:

You can connect your great example to the bigger picture of human rights like this:

My conclusion is that you shouldn't lose your fundamental human rights for not paying rent.This clarifies your point. While a person might lose their rental property, they should not lose their universal human rights. For example, they still have the right to life and the right to be treated with dignity.This new part makes the important distinction between losing a specific privilege and losing universal rights. To make someone homeless and then also take away their other rights would be a cruel and disproportionate punishment.This explains your reasoning.

Candidate 91067

2/12

'People should lose their rights, if they do not fulfil their responsibilities (If they do not do the right thing)'

Transcribed Answer

I agree because if you dont fufil your responsibiltis it's just bad because you what do do an over but you just keep making mistakes.This is a simple but clear point for the 'agree' side, focusing on repeat mistakes.
If you dont agree thats fine but you cant just say you dont agree you have to give a reason right.This is more of a comment on how to argue than an actual argument against the statement.
Conclusion: I don't agree because even if you do bad always be nice.This seems to contradict your first sentence. You need one clear, consistent opinion.

Strengths

You have tried to use a three-part structure.
You have a clear point in your opening sentence.

Targets

Your argument is contradictory. You start by saying you 'agree' but end by saying you 'don't agree'. You must decide on one clear point of view and stick to it.
Your points need to be developed with explanations and specific examples. What kind of "mistakes" are you talking about? Why should we "always be nice" even to people who do bad things?
You need to plan your argument before you write. Decide on your final opinion first, then build your paragraphs to support that single conclusion.

Here's an example of how to build a clearer argument:

Once you decide on your final opinion, you can build your paragraphs to support it. If you disagree, your essay could look like this:

For Paragraph: Some people agree with the statement, because they believe that people who keep making mistakes should face consequences.
Against Paragraph: However, I disagree. Even if a person does a bad thing, they are still a human being. As you said, we should 'always be nice', which means treating them humanely and not taking away their basic rights like the right to food and water.
Conclusion: In conclusion, I disagree because everyone deserves to be treated with a basic level of kindness, no matter what they have done.

Candidate 79016

5/12

'People should lose their rights, if they do not fulfil their responsibilities (If they do not do the right thing)'

Transcribed Answer

Some people may strongly agree with this statement because other people shouldn't be putting people in danger because of how they act toward them or how they speak to them.A good point for the 'agree' side, focusing on the responsibility to keep others safe.
However, some people would strongly disagree with this statement because every human being should be allowed to access haman righs so they can afford food, clothes and other neccessary things they need to live, even if they don't follow the rules.This is an excellent counter-argument, explaining that some rights are essential for survival.
To conclude, I personally disagree because when it's all over they are still human that need basic things to live and carry on with their life.A good conclusion that summarises your strongest argument clearly.

Strengths

You have a perfect essay structure: for, against, and a conclusion.
Your 'disagree' argument is particularly strong, as you explain that rights like food and clothing are necessary for survival.
Your reasoning is clear and easy to follow.

Targets

Your points are good, but they need to be supported with specific examples. What is an example of an act that would "put people in danger"?
Try to develop your points with a little more explanation. *Why* is the right to food more important than the need to punish someone?
You have a great structure and a very strong core argument. The next step is to add specific examples to make your points even more convincing.

Here's an example of how to strengthen a point:

Your point about safety is good. You could make it more specific like this:

Some people agree with the statement because people have a responsibility not to put others in danger.This is your original, strong point. For example, if someone drives dangerously and causes a crash, they have failed that responsibility.This adds a specific, real-world example. Therefore, it is a fair consequence for them to lose their right to a driving licence, both as a punishment and to protect other people.This explains the fair consequence.

Candidate 20896

5/12

'People should lose their rights, if they do not fulfil their responsibilities (If they do not do the right thing)'

Transcribed Answer

No, they should not lose their rights if they don't do the right thing, that's like saying if you forget to water the plants because you forgot, you should lose you rights. I completely do not agree because everyone deserves chances and people forget to do things sometimes.This is a clear point for the 'disagree' side, with a good, simple example.
Yes, I agree because everyone else does the right thing and fufil their responsibilites, so if someone else doesn't do it their rights should be taken away, it's only fair.Good - you are showing the opposing argument based on fairness. Like saying if I do not pay my bills my house will be taken away and that's fair because we all should be paying our bills and taxes to provide for ourselves and familys.This is another excellent, well-explained example.

Strengths

You use excellent, clear, and contrasting examples (watering plants vs. paying bills) to explain both sides of the argument.
You have a clear understanding of the core debate (forgiveness vs. fairness).
You have a good structure for your main body paragraphs.

Targets

Your argument is a little contradictory because you start by saying "I completely do not agree" and then you say "Yes, I agree". You need to frame one side as the view you disagree with.
You are missing a conclusion. A conclusion is essential to summarise your argument and give your final, overall judgement.
You are brilliant at using examples. Your next step is to build a consistent argument and add a conclusion at the end.

Here's an example of how to write a non-contradictory argument:

Instead of agreeing with both sides, you should present one as a counter-argument. Then, add a conclusion.

Main Argument: I disagree that rights should be lost for small mistakes, like forgetting to water the plants, because everyone deserves a second chance.
Counter-Argument: However, some people would agree with the statement, arguing it is about fairness. They would say that if you don't fulfil a serious responsibility like paying your bills, it is fair that you lose the right to your house.
Conclusion: In conclusion, I believe that while there must be consequences for failing serious responsibilities, fundamental human rights should never be taken away for small, forgetful mistakes.

Candidate 81672

3/12

'People should lose their rights, if they do not fulfil their responsibilities (If they do not do the right thing)'

Transcribed Answer

Some people may strongly agree with this statement because for instance if I'm not giving a child the right to seek a safe place to live, they should lose my right theirs as well because you can't take a right from someone and still be entitled.This is a complex but interesting point about the reciprocal nature of rights. If someone decides I'm not going to work but still getting paid they should lose their right to, workers rights, the right to play.This is another good, specific example for the 'for' side.
So this means that the effort you dont put in takes your right to a better life. This ensures that if you show hardwork. The right to your own things you could lose.You are making a good point here, but the answer ends very abruptly.

Strengths

You use some interesting and specific examples to support your arguments (a parent's duty, a worker's duty).
You have a clear point of view.
You understand the link between rights and responsibilities.

Targets

Your answer is entirely one-sided. To get a high mark in a discursive essay, you **must** also explain the other side of the argument.
You need to add a paragraph explaining why someone might *disagree* with the statement, and then write a conclusion that weighs up both sides.
Your answer ends very suddenly. Make sure you write in full paragraphs and finish with a proper conclusion.
You are good at thinking of examples. Now you need to build them into a balanced essay structure (For, Against, Conclusion).

Here's an example of how you could improve your answer:

You have made a good case for the 'agree' side. To make it a balanced essay, you must also include the 'disagree' side, like this:

However, other people would strongly disagree with this statement.This introduces the counter-argument. They believe that human rights are universal and belong to everyone, no matter what. For example, the UDHR states that everyone has the right to life.This uses evidence to make a strong point. This right cannot be taken away even if a person is irresponsible, because it is a fundamental part of being human.This explains the reasoning.

Candidate 86791

3/12

'People should lose their rights, if they do not fulfil their responsibilities (If they do not do the right thing)'

Transcribed Answer

Someone may agree with this because they belive that if someone does not take care of there own rights which is there resonsiblity they should not have any.A clear, if circular, point for the 'agree' side.
On the other hand some people may disagree because they think that everyone should have rights and that everyone should be equal.Good - a clear explanation of the counter-argument based on equality.
but I think that it dosent mean we should lose them, for example what if you got framed for doing something wrong you wouldnt have the "right" to get a lawer and testify against them.This is an excellent and very clever point for your conclusion, identifying a serious practical flaw in the idea of taking rights away.

Strengths

You have a good structure, looking at both sides before giving a conclusion.
Your concluding point, about the danger of a person being wrongly framed, is a very intelligent and powerful argument.

Targets

Your points in the main paragraphs are very simple and need to be developed with more explanation and examples.
Your conclusion is so strong that it should be your main paragraph for the 'disagree' argument.
Your idea about being 'framed' is a top-level point. Learn to make that the main focus of your argument, and you will get very high marks.

Here's an example of how you could turn your conclusion into a powerful main paragraph:

Your idea about being framed is brilliant. You should make it your main 'disagree' point, like this:

On the other hand, I disagree with the statement because of the danger of people being wrongly accused.This is a strong topic sentence. For example, what if a person was framed for a crime they did not commit?This is your excellent example. If their rights were taken away, they would lose the right to a fair trial and the right to a lawyer. This would mean an innocent person could be punished with no way to defend themselves. This shows why rights must be protected for everyone, to ensure justice is done fairly.This explains the reasoning and dangerous consequences, making it a very powerful argument.

Candidate 90768

3/12

'People should lose their rights, if they do not fulfil their responsibilities (If they do not do the right thing)'

Transcribed Answer

Intro: People should lose their rights if they do not fufil their responsibilites this is because everybody needs to take care or work hard for something to earn it.This is a clear introduction that defines the 'for' side of the argument well.
Agree Point: some people may strongly agree with this statement because people need to take care of someone or something or even do something to earn rights and everyone needs to work hard for something for a reason.This is a good explanation of the 'for' argument, but it is very repetitive of your introduction.
Disagree point: However some people may serongly disagree with this because some people can't do this on doesn't have the time or they might be busy with something which is not their fault because for an example parents who don't have money it isn't their fault they don't have food for their child.This is an excellent and empathetic point for the 'disagree' side, supported by a strong example.
Conclusion: To conclude I personally beleive that this is a true and right statement.This conclusion is very weak and contradicts the excellent point you made in your 'disagree' paragraph.

Strengths

You have used a very clear essay plan structure (Intro, Agree, Disagree, Conclusion).
Your 'disagree' point about poverty and parents is very insightful and well-explained.

Targets

Your 'agree' point is too repetitive of your introduction. Try to make a new point in each section.
Your conclusion is very weak and contradicts your strongest argument. A good conclusion should be a summary of your best point.
Your point about poverty is excellent. You need to make that the focus of your answer and build your conclusion around it, rather than just ignoring it at the end.

Here's an example of how to write a better conclusion:

Your conclusion should reflect your strongest argument. Based on your 'disagree' point, a much better conclusion would be:

To conclude, although some believe rights should be earned, I personally disagree with the statement.This makes a clear judgement that matches your best point. As I argued, sometimes people cannot fulfil their responsibilities for reasons that are not their fault, such as parents who are in poverty.This summarises your strongest argument. It would be incredibly unfair and cruel to take away their rights and punish them for a situation they cannot control.This provides a powerful final thought.

Candidate 96718

2/12

'People should lose their rights, if they do not fulfil their responsibilities (If they do not do the right thing)'

Transcribed Answer

Yes it is true if people can't help or do eveything then they are not a good persson but if there is that kind and they should treat us all fairly.This point is a little confusing, but it shows you are thinking about fairness. And nobody has the right to put us in perison and trust and seeport people like your mum or dad.This is a strong point based on the idea of fundamental rights that no one can take away.

Strengths

You have a clear point of view (disagreeing with the statement).
You have a strong point about certain rights (like not being imprisoned without cause) being absolute.

Targets

Your answer is very short and the points are not clearly explained or structured. You need to write in full paragraphs.
Your answer is entirely one-sided. To get a good mark, you must explain the 'for' argument as well, even if you don't agree with it.
You need to use specific examples to make your points clearer.
You have the beginning of a good idea. Your next step is to build it into a full essay with a balanced structure (For, Against, Conclusion).

Here's an example of how to build your ideas into a full essay:

You have a good starting point. Here is how you could structure it as an essay:

For Paragraph: Some people agree with the statement. They believe that if a person acts irresponsibly and breaks the law, they should lose their right to freedom and be sent to prison to protect others.
Against Paragraph: However, I disagree. As you said, nobody has the right to just put someone in prison. We have a right to a fair trial, and this right is universal. It cannot be taken away, because it protects innocent people and ensures justice is fair.
Conclusion: In conclusion, I disagree with the statement because fundamental rights, like the right to a fair trial, must be protected for everyone to keep society safe and just.

Candidate 79012

5/12

'People should lose their rights, if they do not fulfil their responsibilities (If they do not do the right thing)'

Transcribed Answer

Some people may strongly disagree with this statement because in the UDHR says "no one can take your rights". Even if its the queen or king trys to take away your rights.Excellent! A very strong start to your essay, using specific evidence from the UDHR to make a powerful point.
Some people may strongly agree with this statement because maybe the person might not know about the Rights of people and themselves.This is an interesting point, but it feels more like a reason to disagree with the statement. If someone doesn't know their responsibilities, is it fair to punish them?
To conclude I personally believe that people should know there Right and should read the UDHR which "no one can take your rights".A good conclusion that logically follows from your strongest point.

Strengths

Your use of the UDHR as evidence is excellent and makes your 'disagree' argument very strong.
You have attempted to create a balanced structure.
You have a clear point of view in your conclusion.

Targets

Your 'agree' paragraph is very weak and seems to contradict the point you are trying to make. You need a clear and logical point for the 'for' side.
You need to develop your points with more explanation. *Why* is the UDHR so important? Why is it a powerful argument?
Your use of evidence is great. Your main task now is to ensure all your points are logical and that you explain your reasoning in more detail.

Here's an example of how you could write a stronger 'agree' paragraph:

Your 'disagree' argument is great. You need an 'agree' paragraph that is just as clear, like this:

On the other hand, some people agree with the statement because they see rights and responsibilities as being linked.This is a clear topic sentence. They would argue that the right to be protected by society only exists if you fulfil your responsibility to not harm society. For example, if you break the law by stealing, you have acted irresponsibly.This provides a clear example. Therefore, it is fair that you should lose some of your rights, like your right to freedom, as a consequence.This explains the logic of the argument.

Candidate 19678

4/12

'People should lose their rights, if they do not fulfil their responsibilities (If they do not do the right thing)'

Transcribed Answer

The meaning of rights is a right that you have no matter your skin.This is a good, clear definition to start your essay.
Aggre point some people might aggre because they think that criminals should pay for their accions.A clear point for the 'agree' side.
Disaggre point some people might disagree because they think that no matter the crime people always should have human rights.Good, a clear point for the 'disagree' side.
To concald I dis aggre in this statement becaus evets bads pevin criminals should have human right's not eins.A clear conclusion that states your final opinion.

Strengths

You have a perfect structure, with clear sections for each part of the argument.
You have a clear and consistent point of view.
You understand the basic arguments on both sides of the debate.

Targets

Your points are simple statements with no development. You need to explain them and provide examples. *Why* should criminals pay for their actions? *Why* should they still have rights?
You are writing in notes ("Aggre point:"). You need to write in full, flowing paragraphs.
You have an excellent plan. Now you need to turn it into a proper essay by writing in full sentences and adding more detail and examples to every point.

Here's an example of how to strengthen a point:

You can turn your 'agree' point from a note into a full paragraph by adding an explanation and example, like this:

Some people agree with the statement because they think criminals should pay for their actions.This is your original point. They believe that if a person has acted irresponsibly and hurt someone, it is only fair that they face a serious consequence.This explains the reasoning. For example, taking away a criminal's right to freedom by sending them to prison is seen as a just punishment for the harm they have caused.This adds a specific example.

Candidate 89162

4/12

'People should lose their rights, if they do not fulfil their responsibilities (If they do not do the right thing)'

Transcribed Answer

Responsibilities is the key word here. Some people might aggre becaue 'people should loes there Rights'. but why you may ask because if you can't take care of you dog, cat, childed then yes you have to that is apart of life.This is a good, clear point for the 'agree' side, with strong examples.
people might disagree becau if you forget to take the bin or finish up the tea then no you sholdn't lose your rights. but if you don't pay the rent or go food shoping but then you go to get a hair cut then in reality no you still shouldn't loes them.This is another excellent paragraph, using great, relatable examples to argue for proportionality.
I believe your disagree would be my first chous becaue if furry aggre with not lossing your rights.This conclusion is very confusingly worded and hard to understand.

Strengths

You use excellent, specific, and creative examples for both sides of the argument (caring for a dog vs. getting a haircut).
You have a clear structure for the main body of your essay.
You show a good understanding of the debate.

Targets

Your conclusion is very confusing and poorly written. You need to state your final opinion clearly and simply.
You need to explain your points in more detail. *Why* is it fair to lose rights if you neglect a child? *Why* is it unfair to lose rights if you forget to take the bin out?
You are brilliant at thinking of examples. Your main challenge is to improve the clarity of your writing and make sure your conclusion is easy to understand.

Here's an example of how to write a clearer conclusion:

Your conclusion needs to state your final opinion clearly. Based on your arguments, a good conclusion would be:

In conclusion, I disagree with the statement.This is a clear and simple opening sentence. While there should be serious consequences for failing a big responsibility like caring for a child, the punishment must fit the crime.This shows you have considered both sides. As I argued, it would be wrong to take away someone's fundamental rights for a small mistake like forgetting to take out the bin. Therefore, rights should be protected.This summarises your strongest argument.

Candidate 72968

5/12

'People should lose their rights, if they do not fulfil their responsibilities (If they do not do the right thing)'

Transcribed Answer

The reason why is because a person needs human rights. with out human rights that person could commit illegal crimes and the amount of people getting fired doesn't mean they lose all of their sights.This point is quite confused. It seems to be arguing that people NEED rights to stop them from committing crimes, which is more of a 'disagree' argument.
discrimination and racism also on the other hand I strongly agree with this because it could also affect childrens lives meaning getting food water and education in this internal state of war is nearly impossible for them to survive.This is another very confused paragraph. You start by saying you 'agree' but then give a powerful reason (children needing food and water) to DISAGREE with taking rights away.
In conclusion, personly agree that evryone should have their rights even if they do not do the right thing they can still have their hman rights instead they can go to prision if they commited something illegal.Your conclusion is much clearer than your main paragraphs and makes a good, nuanced point.

Strengths

Your conclusion is clear and makes a good point about punishment (prison) being an alternative to removing all rights.
You are thinking about big, important issues like crime, racism, and war.

Targets

Your main paragraphs are extremely confused and contradictory. You say you 'agree' but give reasons to 'disagree'. You must plan your argument to make sure your points support your statement.
You need to structure your answer clearly. Focus on making one clear point per paragraph.
Your conclusion shows that you have good ideas. Your main priority is to improve the structure and logic of your main paragraphs so that they build a clear argument.

Here's an example of how to build a clearer argument:

You have some great ideas about the consequences of losing rights. Here is how you could structure them into a clear 'disagree' paragraph:

I disagree with the statement because taking away rights would be especially harmful to children.This is a strong, clear topic sentence. For example, if a family had their rights to food, water and education taken away as a punishment, their children would not be able to survive or have a future.This uses your own strong example. This is a cruel and unfair punishment for children who have done nothing wrong. Therefore, these basic rights must be protected for everyone.This explains why it is an important argument.

Candidate 68170

5/12

'People should lose their rights, if they do not fulfil their responsibilities (If they do not do the right thing)'

Transcribed Answer

Some people may strongly agree with this statement because some people agree that if they do something bad they lose their rights for example a child forgot to do what they were asked to do then their punishment should be to lose their rights.This is a clear point for the 'agree' side, with a specific example.
however some people may strongly disagree with this statement because they still believe that there is to still hope in this world and that people still have kindness somewhere in their hearts. Evidence is that if someone did something wrong they will forgive because everyone makes mistakes.A good counter-argument based on the ideas of hope, kindness and forgiveness.
To conclude I personally belive that this statement is wrong because everyone makes mistakes in their lives at some point because we are not perfect we are unique in our ways.A good conclusion that summarises your main argument clearly.

Strengths

You have a perfect essay structure: for, against, and a conclusion.
Your 'disagree' argument is very thoughtful and well-explained, focusing on positive human values like hope and kindness.
Your conclusion is clear and logically follows from your main argument.

Targets

Your examples are a little simple. While 'forgetting to do something' is a good start, you should also try to use a more serious, societal example to show a wider understanding of the topic.
You could develop your points with more explanation. *Why* is it important to have hope and kindness? What would a world without them look like?
This is a well-structured and thoughtful answer. Your next step is to use more serious examples to explore these ideas in more depth.

Here's an example of how to strengthen a point:

Your point about forgiveness is lovely. You can make it even stronger by applying it to a more serious example:

I disagree because it is important to have hope and to forgive people when they make mistakes.This is your original, excellent point. For example, someone who committed a crime in the past but has served their time in prison should have the chance to be forgiven by society.This uses a more serious, real-world example. If we take away their rights forever, we are not allowing them the chance to change and become a better person. Forgiveness is essential for rehabilitation.This explains why forgiveness is so important.

Candidate 90217

2/12

'People should lose their rights, if they do not fulfil their responsibilities (If they do not do the right thing)'

Transcribed Answer

Some people may strongly disagree with this point because you should be able to fulfil your human right and if you can't you don't deserve your human rights.This sentence is very contradictory. It starts by saying you disagree, but the second half gives a reason to agree.
Some people may strongly disagree with this point because it was just a mistake and you can always try again because every body makes mistakes in life.This is a much clearer point for the 'disagree' side, based on the idea of second chances.

Strengths

You have correctly identified one of the main arguments for the 'disagree' side (that people make mistakes and deserve second chances).

Targets

Your answer is very short and lacks a clear structure. You need to write in full paragraphs for each part of the argument (For, Against, Conclusion).
Your first point is contradictory. You must be clear about which side you are arguing for.
You need to explain your points in more detail and use specific examples. What kind of "mistake" are you talking about?
You have the start of one good idea. Your next step is to build a full, balanced essay around it with a clear structure and more detail.

Here's an example of how to build a clearer argument:

Your point about mistakes is good. Here is how you can build it into a full paragraph:

I disagree with the statement because everyone makes mistakes and deserves a second chance.This is a clear topic sentence using your own good idea. For example, if a young person shoplifts, they have made a mistake and broken the law. However, it would be a very harsh punishment to take away all of their human rights forever.This adds a specific example. Instead, they should be given a smaller punishment and the chance to learn from their mistake so they can become a responsible citizen in the future.This explains what should happen instead.

Candidate 67128

7/12

'People should lose their rights, if they do not fulfil their responsibilities (If they do not do the right thing)'

Transcribed Answer

Some people may strongly agree with this statement because if you don't use your rights respectfully it should be taken until you show that you can use it correctly. for example one of the rights are 'The right to education' (Article 26) but you also have the responsibilite to not disruft other students education.This is an excellent paragraph. Using a specific right and its corresponding responsibility is a very clear and effective way to argue your point.
However, some people may strongly disagree with this statement because no ones rights should be taken away even if you did something bad. for example one of the rights are 'no one can take your human rights' (Article 30).Another excellent paragraph, again using a specific article from the UDHR to make a powerful counter-argument.
To conclude, I personaly belive that if you break someones right I think it would only be fair if the same right you took gets taken away from you.This is a very interesting and sophisticated conclusion, based on the principle of "an eye for an eye". It's a very thoughtful and nuanced judgement.

Strengths

You have a perfect essay structure.
Your use of specific evidence (citing multiple UDHR articles) is outstanding and makes your argument very strong.
Your conclusion is very impressive. It's a nuanced and thoughtful judgement that shows you are thinking about the topic at a high level.

Targets

Your points are excellent but could be developed with a little more explanation. *Why* is it fair that if you take a right, you lose the same right? Explain the principle of justice behind your idea.
Could your conclusion have any negative consequences? For example, if you kill someone, should you be killed? Exploring this would add even more depth.
This is an outstanding piece of work with excellent use of evidence and a superb conclusion. A little more explanation is all that's needed for a top mark.

Here's an example of how to strengthen a point:

Your conclusion is brilliant. You can make it even stronger by explaining the principle behind it, like this:

In conclusion, I believe in the principle of proportional justice.This gives a formal name to your excellent idea. This means that if you break someone's right, it would only be fair if the same right you took gets taken away from you.This is your original point. For example, if you disrupt another student's right to education, you should temporarily lose your own right to be in the classroom. This is a fair and equal consequence that perfectly fits the irresponsible action.This provides a clear example and explains why it is a fair system.

Candidate 81672

3/12

'People should lose their rights, if they do not fulfil their responsibilities (If they do not do the right thing)'

Transcribed Answer

Some people may strongly agree with this statement because for instance if I'm not giving a child the right to seek a safe place to live, they should lose my right theirs as well because you can't take a right from someone and still be entitled.This is a complex but interesting point about the reciprocal nature of rights. If someone decides I'm not going to work but still getting paid they should lose their right to, workers rights, the right to play.This is another good, specific example for the 'for' side.
So this means that the effort you dont put in takes your right to a better life. This ensures that if you show hardwork. The right to your own things you could lose.You are making a good point here, but the answer ends very abruptly.

Strengths

You use some interesting and specific examples to support your arguments (a parent's duty, a worker's duty).
You have a clear point of view.
You understand the link between rights and responsibilities.

Targets

Your answer is entirely one-sided. To get a high mark in a discursive essay, you **must** also explain the other side of the argument.
You need to add a paragraph explaining why someone might *disagree* with the statement, and then write a conclusion that weighs up both sides.
Your answer ends very suddenly. Make sure you write in full paragraphs and finish with a proper conclusion.
You are good at thinking of examples. Now you need to build them into a balanced essay structure (For, Against, Conclusion).

Here's an example of how you could improve your answer:

You have made a good case for the 'agree' side. To make it a balanced essay, you must also include the 'disagree' side, like this:

However, other people would strongly disagree with this statement.This introduces the counter-argument. They believe that human rights are universal and belong to everyone, no matter what. For example, the UDHR states that everyone has the right to life.This uses evidence to make a strong point. This right cannot be taken away even if a person is irresponsible, because it is a fundamental part of being human.This explains the reasoning.

Candidate 72968

5/12

'People should lose their rights, if they do not fulfil their responsibilities (If they do not do the right thing)'

Transcribed Answer

The reason why is because a person needs human rights. with out human rights that person could commit illegal crimes and the amount of people getting fired doesn't mean they lose all of their sights.This point is quite confused. It seems to be arguing that people NEED rights to stop them from committing crimes, which is more of a 'disagree' argument.
discrimination and racism also on the other hand I strongly agree with this because it could also affect childrens lives meaning getting food water and education in this internal state of war is nearly impossible for them to survive.This is another very confused paragraph. You start by saying you 'agree' but then give a powerful reason (children needing food and water) to DISAGREE with taking rights away.
In conclusion, personly agree that evryone should have their rights even if they do not do the right thing they can still have their hman rights instead they can go to prision if they commited something illegal.Your conclusion is much clearer than your main paragraphs and makes a good, nuanced point.

Strengths

Your conclusion is clear and makes a good point about punishment (prison) being an alternative to removing all rights.
You are thinking about big, important issues like crime, racism, and war.

Targets

Your main paragraphs are extremely confused and contradictory. You say you 'agree' but give reasons to 'disagree'. You must plan your argument to make sure your points support your statement.
You need to structure your answer clearly. Focus on making one clear point per paragraph.
Your conclusion shows that you have good ideas. Your main priority is to improve the structure and logic of your main paragraphs so that they build a clear argument.

Here's an example of how to build a clearer argument:

You have some great ideas about the consequences of losing rights. Here is how you could structure them into a clear 'disagree' paragraph:

I disagree with the statement because taking away rights would be especially harmful to children.This is a strong, clear topic sentence. For example, if a family had their rights to food, water and education taken away as a punishment, their children would not be able to survive or have a future.This uses your own strong example. This is a cruel and unfair punishment for children who have done nothing wrong. Therefore, these basic rights must be protected for everyone.This explains why it is an important argument.

Candidate 68170

5/12

'People should lose their rights, if they do not fulfil their responsibilities (If they do not do the right thing)'

Transcribed Answer

Some people may strongly agree with this statement because some people agree that if they do something bad they lose their rights for example a child forgot to do what they were asked to do then their punishment should be to lose their rights.This is a clear point for the 'agree' side, with a specific example.
however some people may strongly disagree with this statement because they still believe that there is to still hope in this world and that people still have kindness somewhere in their hearts. Evidence is that if someone did something wrong they will forgive because everyone makes mistakes.A good counter-argument based on the ideas of hope, kindness and forgiveness.
To conclude I personally belive that this statement is wrong because everyone makes mistakes in their lives at some point because we are not perfect we are unique in our ways.A good conclusion that summarises your main argument clearly.

Strengths

You have a perfect essay structure: for, against, and a conclusion.
Your 'disagree' argument is very thoughtful and well-explained, focusing on positive human values like hope and kindness.
Your conclusion is clear and logically follows from your main argument.

Targets

Your examples are a little simple. While 'forgetting to do something' is a good start, you should also try to use a more serious, societal example to show a wider understanding of the topic.
You could develop your points with more explanation. *Why* is it important to have hope and kindness? What would a world without them look like?
This is a well-structured and thoughtful answer. Your next step is to use more serious examples to explore these ideas in more depth.

Here's an example of how to strengthen a point:

Your point about forgiveness is lovely. You can make it even stronger by applying it to a more serious example:

I disagree because it is important to have hope and to forgive people when they make mistakes.This is your original, excellent point. For example, someone who committed a crime in the past but has served their time in prison should have the chance to be forgiven by society.This uses a more serious, real-world example. If we take away their rights forever, we are not allowing them the chance to change and become a better person. Forgiveness is essential for rehabilitation.This explains why forgiveness is so important.