12-Mark Essay: Developing Your Skills

This is an example of a top-band response demonstrating all the skills required for full marks.

Model Essay:

The statement that people should only immigrate because of war is a contentious one, and there are compelling arguments on both sides. While war is undoubtedly one of the most urgent reasons for a person to leave their home country, limiting immigration to this single cause ignores many other valid and desperate situations.

On the one hand, some might agree with the statement by arguing that war represents a unique and catastrophic threat to lifeThis clearly explains the core argument for the statement, focusing on the severity and uniqueness of war as a reason for migration.. When a country is torn apart by conflict, citizens face immediate danger from violence, the collapse of society, and a lack of basic necessities like food and water. In this context, immigration is not a choice but a necessity for survival. Proponents of this view might suggest that other reasons for moving, such as seeking better economic opportunities, are a matter of personal betterment rather than life-or-death. They might also argue that host countries have limited resources, and therefore priority must be given to those fleeing the most extreme circumstancesThis develops the 'for' argument by considering the perspective of the host country, adding a layer of complexity., which is undeniably war.

However, this perspective is arguably too narrow and fails to acknowledge other severe hardshipsThis phrase acts as a clear transition to the counter-argument, directly challenging the opposing view. that can compel a person to immigrate. People may be forced to flee their country due to brutal political persecution, where they are targeted for their beliefs or identity. Others may face life-threatening poverty or famine, where staying means an inability to feed their family. Furthermore, natural disasters, such as earthquakes or floods, can destroy homes and livelihoods just as completely as a war. To deny these people the chance to seek safety and a new life would be unjust. Additionally, this view ignores the significant benefits that other forms of immigration bring, such as skilled workers like doctors and engineers who fill vital roles in their new country's economy and society.

In conclusion, while war is a horrific and valid reason for immigration, it should not be the only one. The argument that it is the most severe cause for migration is strong, but it unfairly dismisses the life-threatening nature of persecution, famine, and natural disastersThis is a strong evaluative statement in the conclusion, weighing the two sides and making a clear judgement on why one argument is more persuasive.. A more compassionate and realistic approach is to recognise that people are forced to seek a new home for a variety of desperate reasons. Therefore, I strongly disagree with the statement; the right to seek safety should not be limited to victims of war alone.

Student Response (Transcribed):

For some people may agree because if some people con get jobs in their own country rather than starting again in another country cant lose progress.This point seems to be an argument against immigration in general, focusing on the difficulties for the immigrant, rather than evaluating the statement. some people may not understand the language and some shops have to pay money to stay there and they might get less jobs rather than refuges however some people might disagree because anyone can come here to live here and can have better jobs. I personally believe that people should only immigrate because many people help us like doctors nurses.This conclusion is very confused. It says people should *only* immigrate for one reason, but then gives a reason (immigrants helping us) that supports having *more* types of immigration, not fewer. Many people in the community.

Student Response (Transcribed):

I strongly disagree with statement because people go to different countries for other reason some people came to the UK because of the free healthcare, better jobs opunities, good education, better housing and you can learn about other people culturesThis is a good list of 'pull factors' that explains why people might immigrate for reasons other than war. and etc. However some people may strongly agree with this statement because too much people might come and it would get overclowed in lots of places, and might be less jobs to go toThis clearly explains a reason why someone might agree with the statement – to limit the negative impacts of overpopulation on resources., and might not get into that much schools and not that much houses on sale. To conclude, I personally believe that you should go to a new country for a good reasonThis conclusion shows you are thinking about the arguments, but it's a little vague. What counts as a 'good reason'? because if people just came to countries for no reason it would just get way overcowed and etc.

Student Response (Transcribed):

I partiallt disagree. because without people migrating we wouldnt be able to have lets say indian food for example that would not be in the uk or we wouldnt have different religions like hiduisum or budisum. We also wouldnt have cultures. However some people may strongly disagree with this stoferelt because then the winsth generation would not exsist. but also some people may strongly agree with this stetmit because If everyone was to go to one country the country would be overfild overpoplatedThis identifies a key reason for limiting immigration, which supports the 'agree' side of the argument. and they might not like others. but people might need to come bathe us for other reasons like jobs or education or better housing.

Student Response (Transcribed):

I disagree with this statement. I say this because, some people get away from their country because their afraid of what they did and the penishment of that they would get like prosecution or jail ect.. And people also immigrate because they want a better job or a better education for their kids and even better heal-thcare. But some people only immigrate or travel just because they have issues going on in their country and their is or a potential war happening in the place, area or country their living in, and sometimes when war hits they rush out or aren't able to and unfortunately alot of lives are taken/people die. For example Palesti-ne, they weren't able to have a safe invormen-tUsing a real-world example, even a brief one, makes your argument about the severity of war much more powerful. and maybe never will. To conclude, I personally disagree with this statem-ent because some people dont have have a choice on weither they leave the country or not, as weither its prosecution, war & or even financial people don't choose to leave their country most of the time, even if they do they were forced. End

Student Response (Transcribed):

Some people may strongly agree with this statement because people might immigrate because of war and war could have distroyed their homes, essected their way of living which is a push factorExcellent use of the key term 'push factor' to explain why war forces people to immigrate. that why people might immigrate. But people might emmigrate because of pull factors like better health careYour structure is a little confused here. You introduce a 'pull factor' in your 'agree' paragraph, which makes the argument hard to follow. and resorces you need to survive. and push factors could lead to people leaving their country for the not having the right need that the people want which could lead to them to fleeing their country for better help. However some people may strongly disagree with this statendent because peole could leave their country because of the luck of education, Because immigrates might have proplems that education is not free or health care is hard to find or maybe they might be strugling or finical problems because jobs might be very limited in their cantry. To conchud, I personally believe that people should not only immigrave because they could be straggghling in their contry.

Student Response (Transcribed):

People should only immigrate to war Be when immigrate you have to move if your at war and in this world unfortinately have to migrate Because they want the support to get into jobs and a Better Life. I also have agreements and disagreement But my agreemento are about is yes Because they would have to get out of there as fast as they can Before they get killedThis is a powerful and clear explanation of why war is such an urgent reason to immigrate. and also Because it is not safe to live at a place that contains destruction so that is why i agree. I also have my disagreement Because people should have a choice where their want to travelThis makes a good counter-argument based on the principle of personal freedom and choice. all have a Better Life and also Because they can get Better jobs, healthcare and many more. So I personally Believe that I disagree with this statement Because people are allowed to go wherever they want to go not be forced to go when something bad is really happening like war.This is a strong conclusion that weighs the arguments and comes down on the side of personal choice over being forced by extreme circumstances.

Student Response (Transcribed):

In this world many people migrate from place to place country to country many won't support this because this could lead to problems. 'Should people only migrate & only because of war'. some people may strongly agree with this statement because they don't see a problem with what is wrong in their country, Yes migrating because of war is reasonable but there are other conflicts of a like that goverment could be mistreating themThis is a sophisticated point. You've correctly identified that there are reasons other than war, like political persecution, that can force someone to leave. or better to a better futive for themselves. However, some people may disagree with this statement because in differt countries they each have their own problems, like no good jobs or education, bad goverment, and unfair treatment these can also lead to migrating.This is an excellent, well-developed list of reasons why people might immigrate, showing a broad understanding of the topic. To conclude, I personally believe that anyone should be allowed to still migrate not only because of war but for the reason the choose like getting a better life for them or their family or if their country mistreats them all because anyone should be free and do whats best for them.Your conclusion is very strong because it is based on a clear principle (freedom of choice), which you use to justify your disagreement with the statement.

Student Response (Transcribed):

No, I disagree because its not fair and people might wanna move because of poront hey folls and new hospitality so therefore I disagree. An Also I stonrly agree people might lie about what country and what happeningThis is a potential argument for limiting immigration, suggesting that not all claims are genuine. However, it is not well-explained or integrated into the essay. of speak for the UK or any other country. The people, like Aslyum Sekter may be madd about the rules, because if they need help the no country will help out something. also people might want to move because of hasp Haltey new school and better job here is why people might on for example if im in a very poor country the dad the school here is in a bad condition no one will like itYou have identified a valid reason for migration (poor education), but the way you have expressed it is very unclear. the school is bad. the same for hospitally and better job. To come to pen conclusion I think it unfair and I totally disagree because of people need help they shon't get the help they need from the other country and thing in people people that need help country might be bad and the country they vanna move to is great. this word for this is called push or pull factor therefore I totally disagree.

Student Response (Transcribed):

Immigrant - an immigrant is someone who leaves their home country for a specifi-c reason like for a better job or be-cause of confict in the country. Some people may strongly agree with this statement because they might think that 'leaving your cont country' war is very important but other things like leaving for a better life isnt that seriousThis is an excellent way to explain the 'for' argument. You have compared the severity of war to other reasons, showing strong analytical thinking., as their cont country provides lots. Some may also think that moving to another country is really heard and that its a big change in life and should only happen if nessecary. However, some people may strongly disa-gree with this statement because for them there are manny opertunities and that war isnt the only r-eason to move. Some people could be struggling to make a living or they even don't like their countries ways.This provides two clear and distinct reasons to disagree with the statement, covering both economic and social factors. To conclude, I personally believe that war is not the only reason to imigrate, as you n eed as you can leave for, financial/economic reasons aswell.

Student Response (Transcribed):

Imigrates are people who want to move to a dirfrent country buase of a negative reason but not always. Some people may strongly agree with this statement buase... most of the things that happen in highly poplated country is war not likeng the country or want to take control over it and as also beuse they dont want to end up dead.This is a simple but effective way of explaining the life-or-death nature of fleeing a war. However, some people may strongly disagree with the statement buase people could also move beuse of positive reasons like better healthrear, better food, better paying jobs or good house pricesThis is a good list of 'pull factors' that explains why people would choose to immigrate for reasons other than war. its mostly alwase positive that people move contrys not beuse of war but beuse of the good things they have heared about the country. but in concusion conclusion it could be positive and negative reoseon you want to move cantryYour conclusion identifies that there are two sides, but it doesn't make a final judgement or explain which side you find more convincing. it dosent alwais have to be good but most of the thmes people move countrys for a better life or a better place to stay in.

Student Response (Transcribed):

I disagree, The word immigrante means, when a person moves to another country this could be a pull or a push factor. Some people may strongly agree with this statement because, if their is war in your home country because you might move for your saft and protech tion and saftey.A clear and concise explanation of the 'for' argument, linking war directly to the need for safety. However some people may strongly disagree with this statement because yes you might move because of war but there are many different reason you might move. For example their might be more job open opitunities etc. To conclude, I personally believe that it is not true and I disagree because if you are coming from a country their are many push and pull factors that could make you move and not just one. For example a push factor could be war but also other things asue aswell like natural disasters etc.This is excellent evaluation. In your conclusion, you are expanding on your earlier points by introducing a new, relevant example (natural disasters) to strengthen your argument. some pull factors could also be more job opitonities etc. This shows that there is more reasons that people immigrate and not just war.A very clear concluding sentence that directly answers the question and summarises your overall point.

Student Response (Transcribed):

The key word in this statement is immigrant which means to move and setle into another place. Someone would probably agree with the statement because there usually isn't anything to bother your living statis except danger or conflictThis is a well-reasoned point, arguing that war is a unique kind of disruption that creates the need to move. and that the wouldn't have need to move to another place. However, some people might disagree with this statement because safety isn't the only thing people need they might also need food, water, money, a jobThis is a strong counter-argument, listing other fundamental needs that can also drive immigration. and even better friends, hence why people move from home to becoma an even better person that within themselves. To conclude, my personal opinion is to disagree with the statement because there are so much things that oppose the statement but only one thing that gives a reason to agree.This is a good example of evaluation. You are weighing the number of arguments on each side to justify your final decision. therefore I disagree with the statement.

Student Response (Transcribed):

I Higly disagree with this state and because theres reasons for people to leave a conftry like there pos for a job there get salery which that cant support thon them with there dos to dos lise.You are trying to make a point about economic migration here, but the unclear writing makes it very difficult to understand. however for example, borza. I higly disagree with this storte orent, Because los peopls pos in some cose, there job peoples money thes noke from a job con not from what thes do. X However some times that mones just cant sapport them in there dos to dos lise var. Also hor in places like boza or sudan thes have people to evocwoteThis point seems to relate to the 'war' side of the argument, but it is not explained or connected to the rest of the essay. then X lots os people in then ploces have lost theor lise. To conclude, I personolis belive that this stotement isit true and is folues in sormotion.

Student Response (Transcribed):

Imagration Means when someone moves from one contry to a nother for a reason. I disagree whith this statement because people can also come to another country for economic Reasons.This is a clear, relevant point arguing against the statement. people can also be asylm seakers or Refuges. however, some people may strongly agree whith this statement because people could flee from diffrent countrys for many Reasons such as war or natural disasters.This point is slightly confused. While it mentions war, it also adds 'natural disasters', which is another reason to disagree with the statement. This should be in the 'disagree' paragraph. To conclude I personally beleve that there could be more than one reason why you can should flee the country.

Student Response (Transcribed):

Upon further inspection, I disagree and the reason is because thier is more than one type of immigrant, many immigrants move from thier native country to another country for diffrent reasons and oppurtunities. For example, an economic migrant comes from thier native country for money and finances.Excellent. You have used precise terminology ('economic migrant') to make a clear and sophisticated point against the statement. This doesn't involve any reasons of war or conflict. Another type of immigrant is an invader.This is a confusing and irrelevant point. An 'invader' is not a type of immigrant, and this distracts from your otherwise excellent argument. These immigrants move from thier own country to start a conflict and attack the country's new area they decided was a good place to invade. On the others hand, thier is assylum seekers which are immigrants who come because of conflict but also for a residence. Refugees are immigrants who come for only one reason and that is to escape the war. This is a negative reason to leave thier country and is called a push factor.This is a very strong point. You have correctly defined 'refugee' in the context of the question and linked it to the key term 'push factor'. A pull factor is a positive reason for immigrants to leave thier country for example job oppurtunities. To conclude I personally believe that immigrants shouldn't leave 'because of war only', thier is many immigrants that leave thier country too create oppurtunities for thier familys and for themselves, And that is why I believe disagree with this statement.

Student Response (Transcribed):

In all honsetey I think people should move to a different country because being in warges is defentley does count but I think there are different reasons that people should come in its very important that people move. Reason! More like global warmings or natural disaters can for sure put heavy risks to your lifeThis is a good, modern point. You have identified reasons other than war that can threaten a person's life and force them to move. this can sometimes effect business companys in general because we need more immagrants to help us and 89% of the time they realy are helpful. Opposes my answer: Now immagrants can be helpful but some of the time they can't. Say for example they can sometimes end up on the wrong side say if they were a teror from another country but when they transport from that country to another they could end up doing more crimes not to me-ntion they could be disqused as a random person but they could be in trucks trying to start conflict between 2. countrys

Student Response (Transcribed):

Some people may strongly agree with this statement because many immigrates move to another country due to war.A simple but clear statement of the argument for the statement. Some people may disagree strongly disagree with this statement because other immagrants move to another country not because of war, it could be a natural disaster or the moved there for work and money.This provides two clear and valid reasons to disagree with the statement. To conclude, I personally believe that not all immigrates should immigrate because of war since any has the option to move countries or not if it's not for war.This conclusion makes a judgement based on the idea of choice, which is a good way to evaluate the arguments.

Student Response (Transcribed):

Some people may strongly agree with this statement because war is one of the most dangerous thing's to be in your sisteration with war is almost 100% that you might die with the nukes and bombs and how radiation spreads making it impossible to breath and how dangerous war is much more of a serious problem it is compared to something like economic problems and racism.This is an excellent, high-level point. You are not just stating that war is bad, but you are evaluating its severity in comparison to other problems. war would make it hard to live with the struggles especially with a family practically forceing you to send them somewhere elese without having to hold onto a string/leet of hope. However some people may strongly disagree with this statement because people can have more than one reason for example political problems the Government can be bad and trash leader with bad choices causeing people to leave we can use Nigeria's Government as an example of a bad political Government.Using a specific, real-world example makes your argument about political problems much more convincing and detailed. people can also leave due to their race and how most people would be racist because of the clor colour of their skin.This is another sophisticated and important reason for migration that shows you have thought deeply about the topic. one more reason is economic reason people can not make enough money so they move to some place they can like the us or the UK some places like that. To conclude I personally believe that people can move for many different reasons as it because of war economic reasons or they just want a fresh new start on some place new to be at.

Student Response (Transcribed):

Immigrate Moar to move to another country for aworkime reason war / natraal dister reason refugees. Some people may strongly agree with this statement because their opinion and how they of their opinion of too lething things lets say to travel to a country and you like the country you might diede to live there.This point is very confused. It seems to be an argument against the statement, but it is presented under the 'agree' side and is very poorly expressed. However I some people may strongly disagree with statement because you might immagrate because of famliy, work or stoo school, or if you feele that the country you are living in is not for you or doing reach to your standard for asther. To conclude I personally bit belive that people should only immigrate cause of war. Immigrating might be your choice of not I think it depends on your sutiation.This conclusion is contradictory. It first agrees with the statement, then says it's a choice, and then says 'it depends'. This shows a lack of a clear final judgement.

Student Response (Transcribed):

I disagree with this statment because lots of people have difrent reasons to immigrate. Immigration is when people sould go to another country becose they want. People have the right to imigrate not for only for war but for whichever reason. Many people might disagree with this because people might immigrate for diffrent reasons for example economic reasons or the country dosn't have enough food or water.This is a good list of reasons to disagree with the statement, covering both economic and survival needs. Also war is not always the reason to immigrate some people are forced to fly their country because of somone. However, most people may agree withe this statment. Because if people are immigrating for no reason the country might get overpopulatedThis clearly explains the argument for limiting immigration, linking it to the negative effect of overpopulation. and will eventualy stop allowing people to come in. If people are only alawed to come to another country only because of war citys and countrys will become less overpopulated so everyone can live in peace. In conclusion I think people should come so the country can have more diversity and coulter.This conclusion does not follow from the rest of your essay. You have not mentioned diversity before, and it contradicts the point you made about overpopulation.

Student Response (Transcribed):

I dis-agree that "People should only immigrate because of war" as immigrate means going to another country to live there, were your not from. And there are so many countries and people would have limited space to move. People might immigrate due to better job oppourtinutes, to earn more money and so they could provide better oppourtines for their children. Also better education oppourtinutes for children to learn more and have a brighter future. It also wouldn't be fair to say some-one can't live there as they are not born or from there. Howere some may strongly agree with this statement because, population over-load could to accure and if there's too many people there won't be enough food and water.This is a strong argument for the statement, explaining the negative consequences of unlimited immigration on a country's resources. Also racism is something that probally would happen. To conclude I believe that this statement is wrong, unfair and isn't true.A clear and decisive conclusion that directly answers the question and summarises your opinion. So people should be allowed to immigrate even if it isn't about war.

Student Response (Transcribed):

I disagree with the rest imigrals would decide to leave thelf country. Mosta people would strongly agree with the statement because after when thomes are destryed and cities collapsed you wont have a place to sleep or water so thee is a high risk that you would dieThis is a very powerful and well-explained argument, using vivid details to show the unique severity of war. if they dont leave it not only that you will die of starvation. and war more dangerous than any of the other possabtitles. It would su some people would strongly dissagree as because yord could be in danger in a diffent type of way for example there could be gang members who are tourchering peopleThis is a good counter-argument, acknowledging that there are other forms of danger besides war that might force someone to move. in ther local area but the can move to cityes in that city people could be racist and discryminate you or you might just want to visit family. A cans In conclusion I a agree the statement because there is a big difference between the two because you can move to diffent places in country because of danger but war could affect the whole country.This is an outstanding piece of evaluation. You are comparing the scale of the different threats and using this analysis to justify why you have changed your mind and now agree with the statement. This is very sophisticated thinking.