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Model Answer — Essay 1: Religion & Animals
Score: 12/12 Band 4
Word Count: ~320 words | A strong Year 7 response — clear argument, both sides, specific religious knowledge, reasoned conclusion.
Agree(Religion SHOULD guide)
Disagree(Not always right)
Judgement(Evaluation)
Hover text for comments
Strong evaluative opening — immediately signals a balanced, 'how far' approach rather than just agreeing or disagreeing. This is Band 4 thinking from the first sentence.I agree to a large extent that religious beliefs should guide how we treat animals, because religions have thousands of years of ethical thought about how to treat living things. However, I do not think religion should be the only guide, because not everyone is religious and society needs laws that apply to everyone.Specific religious knowledge deployed — ahimsa in Hinduism and Buddhism. Names the concept accurately and explains its practical impact. This is exactly the kind of evidence that earns Band 4.Many religions teach kindness towards animals. In Hinduism and Buddhism, the idea of ahimsa — non-violence — means believers must avoid harming any living creature. This has led millions of Hindus and Buddhists to become vegetarian, which also benefits the environment. Islam requires halal slaughter, which means animals must be killed as humanely as possible, showing that religion can provide a clear and specific framework for animal welfare.Christian stewardship — another specific teaching. Shows breadth of religious knowledge across more than one tradition, which is a Band 4 indicator.Christianity teaches stewardship — the idea from Genesis that humans are responsible for caring for God's creation. This means Christians are called to protect animals, not just exploit them. Judaism also has the principle of tza'ar ba'alei chayyim, which forbids causing unnecessary suffering to animals. These religious traditions have existed for thousands of years, long before modern animal welfare laws.Turns to the counter-argument — identifies that religions disagree with each other and that secular approaches exist. This ensures the essay is genuinely two-sided and not capped at Band 2.On the other hand, different religions sometimes disagree about how to treat animals. Some religious traditions allow animal sacrifice, and there is debate about whether halal and kosher slaughter is as humane as modern methods. Furthermore, non-religious people can still be deeply ethical about animals — organisations like the RSPCA do not rely on religion to protect animal welfare.Well-substantiated conclusion — returns to the question, weighs both sides, and reaches a nuanced judgement. Does not simply repeat the introduction. This is confident Band 4 writing.In conclusion, I believe religious beliefs should be one important guide for how we treat animals, but they should work alongside law and science rather than replace them. Religious teachings have inspired great compassion for animals throughout history, but in a diverse society, not everyone shares the same faith, so we also need shared legal standards that protect animals for everyone.
Why this answer earned 12/12 (Band 4):
Immediate evaluative opening — 'to a large extent' signals balance from the first line
Specific religious teachings named accurately: ahimsa, halal, stewardship (Genesis), tza'ar ba'alei chayyim
Genuine counter-argument: religious disagreement, secular animal rights, debate over halal/kosher
Reasoned conclusion that weighs both sides and answers the question directly
Model Answer — Essay 2: Multiculturalism
Score: 12/12 Band 4
Word Count: ~310 words | A strong Year 7 response — clear argument, specific evidence, genuine evaluation of both sides.
Agree(More problems)
Disagree(More benefits)
Judgement(Evaluation)
Hover text for comments
Strong evaluative opening — immediately disagrees with the statement and signals that both sides will be considered. Sets up a Band 4 structure from the start.I disagree with this statement. I believe Britain's multiculturalism creates far more benefits than problems, although I accept that some challenges do exist and need to be addressed fairly.Specific evidence for benefits — economic contribution, NHS, schools. This is the kind of factual, specific knowledge that earns Band 3 and 4 marks. The student is explaining why this matters, not just listing it.Multiculturalism brings enormous economic benefits to Britain. Migrants fill vital skills gaps — the NHS and many schools rely heavily on workers from diverse backgrounds. Without this workforce, essential public services would struggle to function. Britain also benefits from global trade connections through its diverse communities, as people bring knowledge and networks from their home countries.Cultural benefits — diverse food, music, art. Goes beyond the economic to show breadth of thinking. The student explains why diversity is valuable, not just what it is.Culturally, multiculturalism enriches British society through a wider range of food, music, art and ideas. British culture today — including its food, music and sport — has been shaped by contributions from many different communities. Integration programmes and community events bring people from different backgrounds together, showing that diversity can strengthen rather than divide society.Genuine counter-argument — language barriers, parallel lives, tension over immigration. This is honest engagement with the difficulties of multiculturalism, which is what separates Band 3 from Band 4.However, multiculturalism does bring some real challenges. Language barriers can cause misunderstanding and limit social cohesion. There is a risk of 'parallel lives' — communities remaining separate rather than integrating. Political disagreements over immigration have caused real social tension in parts of Britain, and some people genuinely feel that rapid cultural change threatens their sense of national identity.Balanced conclusion — acknowledges challenges but argues that British values provide the framework to manage them. Refers to mutual respect and rule of law. Well-substantiated and directly answers the question.In conclusion, I believe multiculturalism creates more benefits than problems for Britain. The economic, cultural and creative contributions of diverse communities outweigh the challenges. Where problems do exist — like language barriers or social tension — they can be addressed through education, integration programmes, and British values such as mutual respect and the rule of law, which protect every community equally.
Why this answer earned 12/12 (Band 4):
Clear position stated immediately — disagrees with the statement with reasons
Specific evidence: NHS workforce, trade links, integration programmes
Genuine counter-argument: language barriers, parallel lives, immigration tension
Key vocabulary used accurately: multiculturalism, integration, mutual respect, rule of law
Reasoned conclusion that weighs both sides and refers to British values
📋 The Questions & Indicative Content
Year 7 RS & Citizenship | 12-mark Essay — choose ONE question
Essay 1: "Religious beliefs should guide how we treat animals in modern society."
How far do you agree? Give reasons for your answer, showing you have considered more than one point of view.
Essay 2
"Britain's multiculturalism creates more problems than benefits."
How far do you agree? Give reasons for your answer, showing you have considered more than one point of view.
📌 Essay 1 — Arguments you could have used (Religion & Animals)
✅ Arguments FOR (religion SHOULD guide)
Ahimsa (Hinduism/Buddhism): Non-violence encourages compassion and reduces animal suffering
Halal (Islam): Requires humane slaughter — a specific, clear framework
Tza'ar ba'alei chayyim (Judaism): Animals must not suffer needlessly
Stewardship (Christianity): Humans are responsible for caring for God's creation
Long tradition of ethical thought on animals — thousands of years
Plant-based diets encouraged by several faiths — better for the environment
❌ Arguments AGAINST (not the only guide)
Non-religious people can be ethical — secular animal rights movements
Different religions disagree — no single agreed standard
Halal/kosher slaughter debated as less humane than modern methods
Religion is personal — society should rely on law and science
Some traditions permit animal sacrifice or hunting
📌 Essay 2 — Arguments you could have used (Multiculturalism)
✅ Arguments that it creates PROBLEMS
Language barriers can limit social cohesion
Risk of 'parallel lives' — communities staying separate
Racism and hate crime can increase
Political tension over immigration policy
Some feel national identity is threatened
❌ Arguments that it creates BENEFITS
Diverse food, music, art and culture enrich society
Economic growth — migrants fill skills gaps; NHS relies on diverse workers
Global trade connections through diverse communities
British values protect all communities equally
Integration programmes bring people together successfully
📊 Band Descriptors
Band
Marks
What it looks like
4
9–12
Confident, developed argument. Considers at least two viewpoints and weighs them. Uses specific religious teachings or facts accurately. Reasoned conclusion.
3
6–8
Developing argument. More than one viewpoint with some development. Some accurate evidence. Beginning to explain rather than just state.
2
3–5
Simple response. One or two relevant points with limited development. Vague references to religion. Little or no counter-argument.
1
1–2
Minimal engagement. Very general statements. Little or no relevant vocabulary.
0
0
No relevant content, blank, or completely off-task.
Candidate 7095
Word Count: ~79 words | Essay 2
Score: 6/12 Band 3
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
I somewhat agree with the statementbecause in certain places - this has caused raseim for per people.I also disagree with the statementbecause multiculturalism is many people living together. This means that it unites many people together to live in peace and harmony.For example in society Britian many different faiths and cultural backgrounds have adapted to live with another type of community.Overall, I think that if you're living on in a community with people that are responsible enough.
Overall JudgementWell done. This is a really promising essay for timed conditions. You have built a clear argument that looks at both sides of the debate, which is a very important skill. You also used a great real-world example (Britain) to make your point stronger. Remember for next time to add a little more explanation to each point to push your mark even higher.
Try this: "Overall, I think multiculturalism has more benefits than problems, but its success depends on people being responsible and respectful towards each other."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Balanced Argument: You looked at both sides of the argument, clearly stating why you 'somewhat agree' and also why you 'disagree'. This is a key skill for top marks!
Using a Specific Example: You used the excellent example of Britain to show how different faiths and cultures can live together. Using real-world examples makes your arguments much stronger.
One Wish 💡
Explain Your Points (PEE): In your next essay, try to add one more sentence of explanation to each point you make. For example, when you mention racism, you could explain *why* it might happen (e.g., due to misunderstanding or prejudice). This is the 'Explain' part of PEE (Point, Evidence, Explain).
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. What did the teacher praise most about the structure of this essay?
2. Which specific example did you use to support your argument about multiculturalism?
3. What was the teacher's main tip for improving in your next essay?
4. In the PEE technique, what does the first 'E' stand for?
5. Which term means treating someone unfairly because of their race, religion or culture?
6. A key benefit of multiculturalism is when different communities mix and learn from each other. This is called...
7. One of the 'British Values' is that everyone is subject to the country's laws. This is known as...
8. According to the mark scheme, which of these is a potential *problem* of multiculturalism?
Candidate 7098
Word Count: ~261 words | Essay 2
Score: 9/12 Band 4
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
I disagree with the statement that Britain's multiculturalism creates more problems than benefits due to a multitude of reasons, one of them being that it allows for all types of people from all different backgrounds to connect.For example, immigrants [crossed out word] they bring a rich sence of community and make people feel welcome making more people want to move to England and therefore the population has vastly more job opportunities.However,Multiculturalism in England can make people try new things, such as food or an instrument, that they may have never known about if England wasn't so diverse.People can find joy in learning about different cultures and backgrounds,and saying that it creates more problems would be ignoring all the people it brings together in favour of being negative.However, if you wish to play the devil's advocate,you can argue that it does create more negatives than positives due to racism.Racism is a big issue, and Britain being diverse certainly only adds fuel to the fire. Racists will be upset and may stage protests, causing a spark spark a fire that will only lead to pain and regrets.This may be a good argument if you're talking to someone with a similar point of view, but if we aren't, then this is a weak point - and you're just as curious.For one, racism is a problem in every country, not just Britain. It's not like British people are making a big fuss just out of nothing, so to act like it is, is frankly an insult to England's English people's intelligence.Secondly, why should we focus on people who don't care to learn or the good different cultures bring? They're a small part of the population, almost laughably a minority. Listening to them would only make a majority of people upset, and would be taking far more of an action than simply ignoring them.
Overall JudgementExcellent. This is a confident and well-structured argument that shows very impressive thinking for a Year 7 student. You didn't just list points; you bravely explored the opposing view by playing 'devil's advocate' and then clearly explained why you thought that view was weak. This is a top-level skill that makes your own argument so much more persuasive. For next time, focus on arming yourself with a few key citizenship terms to make your brilliant points even more precise.
Try this: Instead of "Racism is a big issue, and Britain being diverse certainly only adds fuel to the fire," you could write: "For example, some might argue that multiculturalism can lead to social tension, as prejudice and discrimination can unfortunately increase when different communities first meet."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Brilliant Evaluation: You did something fantastic by saying "if you wish to play the devil's advocate". Introducing an opposing view (that multiculturalism causes racism) and then explaining why it's a weak argument is a powerful way to prove your point.
Specific, Real-World Examples: Using examples like "food or an instrument" and "job opportunities" is so effective. It makes your argument about the benefits of diversity feel real and easy to understand, which is much better than just making a general statement.
One Wish 💡
Use Specialist Vocabulary: Your ideas are already at a high level. To get even more marks, try to use some key Citizenship terms. For example, when you talk about people connecting, you could use the word 'integration'. When you talk about being welcoming, you could use 'mutual respect'. In your next essay, try to include two or three of these specialist words.
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. The feedback praised the phrase "play the devil's advocate". What does this technique involve?
2. Why was using the example of "food or an instrument" a strength in the essay?
3. What was the main 'wish' or target for improvement in the next essay?
4. Which key term means 'an unfair or negative opinion about someone because of the group they belong to'?
5. What is the process where different cultural groups live together and form a shared, successful community called?
6. According to the mark scheme, what is a key feature of a high-band (Band 4) essay?
7. The idea that people should treat each other with consideration and listen to different views, even if they disagree, is best described as:
8. What was the main 'problem' of multiculturalism that the student chose to discuss as a counter-argument?
Candidate 7110
Word Count: ~180 words | Essay 2
Score: 7/12 Band 3
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
I trad: mere et pulchrique
Britain's multiculturalism doesn't create more problems than benefits.Multiculturalism is really good because Britain It can make Britain's economy go up because there are more people to do jobs.And more people can come together through cultural events.You can even see this throughout Britian, like in places like China town.But, multiculturalism can be bad as well.For example houses can be taken over by foreign people.Also, like as before like the part when I was talking about jobs, people from our country can't have jobs because foreign people come and steal them.But, from what I said in this Essay, my conclusion is that Britain's multiculturalism does, in fact, cause more problems than benefits because when foreign people come into our country people that actually live here, don't have opportunities less opportunities than foreign people.and this is a fact
Overall JudgementWell done. This is a really solid essay for timed conditions. You have built a clear argument that looks at both sides of the debate, which is a very important skill. You also used a specific example (Chinatown) to back up your ideas. You then made a brave decision in your conclusion, weighing up the evidence and deciding that the problems were more significant. For next time, try to explain your points with a little more detail.
Try this: "A potential problem is that when many people move to one area, it can increase competition for jobs, which sometimes leads to tension between different communities."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Balanced Argument: You did a fantastic job of looking at both the benefits and the problems of multiculturalism. This shows you can think carefully about different viewpoints.
Using Specific Evidence: Your example of 'Chinatown' was excellent! Using a real-world example like this makes your argument much more convincing than just talking in general terms.
One Wish 💡
Develop your points with 'because...': Your points are good, but you can make them even stronger. In your next essay, try to add a 'because' or 'this leads to...' after each point to explain its impact in more detail.
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. What is a key strength of an essay that looks at both the 'problems' and 'benefits' of a topic?
2. Why was using the example of 'Chinatown' a good idea in this essay?
3. The feedback 'wish' is to explain points more. Which of these phrases would help you do that?
4. What does the term 'integration' mean in the context of multiculturalism?
5. Judging someone negatively before you know them, based on a stereotype, is called...
6. The essay mentioned that multiculturalism can benefit the economy. How?
7. A potential problem of multiculturalism is when communities live 'parallel lives'. What does this mean?
8. Which of these is a 'British Value' that helps a multicultural society work?
Candidate 7122
Word Count: ~132 words | Essay 2
Score: 7/12 Band 3
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
I agree with this I disagree with this statement becauseif Britain didn't have multiculturalism, then the people there wouldn't have learnt new facts about countries or religions.They can also experience new things like different foods and events.Butit could cause problems like racism between different religions and cultures.They might also try to make everything in the community related to their culture.Communities can solve problems like these by having a gathering and letting different people communicate with each other to learn more about them.Overall, I disagree that Britain's multiculturalism creates more problems than benefits becauseit can make you learn and experience new things.
Overall JudgementExcellent. This is a really well-structured answer for a timed essay. You have a clear introduction, you look at both sides of the argument, and you even suggest a solution to the problems you identify, which is a very high-level skill. You finish with a strong conclusion that matches your argument. To make this even better, your next step is to add specific examples to support your points.
Try this: "They can also experience new things like different foods from around the world, such as curry, and enjoy exciting cultural events like the Notting Hill Carnival or Diwali."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Balanced Argument: You did a brilliant job of looking at both sides of the question. You explained the benefits (learning, new experiences) but also considered the problems (racism). This shows you can think like a real debater!
Thinking of Solutions: I was so impressed that you suggested a way to solve the problems. Your idea about communities having a gathering to communicate is a fantastic example of Citizenship in action and shows you are thinking deeply about the topic.
One Wish 💡
Use Specific Examples: Your points are great, but you can make them even stronger with specific examples. Instead of just "different foods", you could name one (like pizza from Italy or curry from India). This adds evidence and makes your argument more convincing.
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. One of your great skills was creating a 'balanced argument'. What does this mean?
2. You thoughtfully suggested a way for communities to solve problems. What was your suggestion?
3. Your next step is to use more specific examples. Which of these is the MOST specific example of a cultural benefit?
4. You mentioned 'racism' as a potential problem. What is the definition of 'prejudice'?
5. What is the key term for a society where many different cultures and religions live alongside each other?
6. According to the mark scheme, what is a potential problem when communities live 'parallel lives'?
7. What is one of the key British Values mentioned in the mark scheme that helps protect all communities?
8. In an essay, what is the main purpose of including a counter-argument (like when you mentioned the problems of multiculturalism)?
Candidate 7123
Word Count: ~154 words | Essay 1
Score: 6/12 Band 3
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
Some people believe that religious beliefs guide us on how we should treat animals. For example, Islam provides on how we eat / treat animals. This shows how religious have a great impact on how people treat animals in their modern society. This also links to how Jewish people kill and treat animals.Although others believe that religious beliefs are not the guide on how we treat animals. For example, if you are a atheis you do not support a religion or pray to a god so therefore how can your decision on how you treat animals based be based on a religion?With all of this evidence and points I believe that religious beliefs can guide us on to how we treat animals.
Overall JudgementWell done. This is a really promising essay because you have built a clear argument with two different sides. You successfully explained the 'for' side using religious examples, and then made a very thoughtful counter-argument about atheism. This structure is exactly what we are looking for! To push into the top bands next time, remember to add one specific piece of key vocabulary to your examples.
Try this: "This also links to how Jewish people treat animals, following the rule of tza'ar ba'alei chayyim, which says animals must not suffer needlessly."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Excellent Structure: You built your essay perfectly, with a paragraph for the 'agree' side and a separate paragraph for the 'disagree' side. Using the phrase "Although others believe..." is a fantastic way to introduce a counter-argument.
Thoughtful Examples: You didn't just talk about 'religion' in general. You picked out two specific examples (Islam and Judaism) and then came up with a really smart counter-example (atheism) to show the other side of the debate.
One Wish 💡
Add Specific Key Words: In your next essay, try to add one specific key word or fact to your examples. For instance, instead of just 'Islam', you could mention 'halal'. This shows deeper knowledge and makes your argument even more convincing.
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. What was a key strength of this essay's structure?
2. The 'wish' for next time was to make the examples stronger by...
3. The Christian idea that humans should care for the planet and its animals is called...
4. In Islam, the rules for how animals should be treated and prepared for food are called...
5. Which group was used in the essay as a logical counter-example to show that not everyone follows religious guidance?
6. The Hindu and Buddhist principle of 'non-violence' towards all living things is known as...
7. The Jewish teaching that animals should not suffer needlessly is called...
8. Why is it a good idea to use a phrase like "Although others believe..." in an essay?
Candidate 7124
Word Count: ~180 words | Essay 1
Score: 7/12 Band 3
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
I agree with this point of viewbecause religious beliefs usually treat animals with respect.Religious dietary laws (such as halal and kosher) are against eating pork or animal products entirely.Additionally, I think that animal welfare laws should be based on religious beliefs because religions usually know how to correctly treat animals and people believe religions made animals.This adds onto the fact that religions religious beliefs teach us about how animals are created.Furthermore, some people may argue that religious beliefs do not teach us about how animals should be treated because there are different laws for animal welfare and if someone's an atheist or someone who doesn't believe in religion may not believe that.Another person may argue that scientific evidence is what animal welfare laws should be based on because they have seen enough evidence from scientific theories to prove be proven true.Another person may say that they are not sure because there are many reasons for religious beliefs and scientific evidence.Religion influences animal welfare laws in a multicultural society with lots of faith, culture, and backgrounds. This can influence may beliefs on how to treat animals rightly.
Overall JudgementExcellent. This is a really thoughtful essay written under timed conditions. You have built a balanced argument, looking at reasons for and against the statement, which is a very high-level skill. You also used specific examples like 'halal' and 'kosher' to support your points. For next time, remember to explain *how* your evidence proves your point. This will make your brilliant arguments even more powerful.
Try this: "Religious dietary laws, like halal in Islam, show respect for animals because they have strict rules for how the animal must be treated and killed humanely."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Balanced Argument: You did a fantastic job of exploring different viewpoints. It was great to see you consider what an atheist or a scientist might think.
Specific Examples: You used the specific terms 'halal' and 'kosher' as evidence. This is much stronger than just saying 'religious food rules'. Well done!
One Wish 💡
Explain your evidence: In your next essay, try to explain *how* or *why* your evidence proves your point. For example, you could say 'Halal rules show respect for animals *because* they include specific instructions for humane treatment.'
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. What was a key strength of this essay, as highlighted in the feedback?
2. Which specific religious terms did the essay use as evidence?
3. What is the main 'wish' or target for improvement for the next essay?
4. In the essay, what was suggested as an alternative to religion for guiding animal welfare laws?
5. What does the Hindu and Buddhist principle of 'Ahimsa' mean?
6. The Christian idea that humans are responsible for looking after the world is called...
7. The Jewish principle that animals must not suffer needlessly is known as...
8. When a student includes what 'another person may argue', what important skill are they demonstrating?
Candidate 7125
Word Count: ~49 words | Essay 2
Score: 6/12 Band 3
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
Essay 2 is incorrect incorrectbecause they provide lotsof stuff (e.g. food, clothes and suveners).They are funny caring and kind. They do alot for this country.However,Some foreigners are [illegible] dealers [illegible] phones.Overall, I believe, it depends on what they do for money and if it is illegal.
Overall JudgementWell done. This is a really promising essay. You have successfully included both a 'for' and an 'against' argument, which is a difficult skill. I was also impressed that you used specific examples like food and clothes to back up your ideas. This shows you are thinking like a real social scientist! For next time, try to explain your points in a little more detail. A great target is to add a sentence explaining *why* your point is important.
Try this: Instead of just "They are funny caring and kind", you could write: "People from different cultures can also bring new ideas and perspectives, which makes society a more interesting and understanding place to live."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Considering Both Sides: You didn't just give one side of the argument. You used the word 'However' to introduce a counter-argument, showing you have thought about a different viewpoint. This is a high-level skill!
Using Specific Examples: Your point about multiculturalism bringing benefits like 'food, clothes and suveners' is great because it gives real-world evidence to support your idea.
One Wish 💡
Explain Your Points: In your next essay, try to add a 'This is important because...' sentence after each point you make. This will help you to develop your ideas and explain *why* they are relevant to the question.
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. Using a word like 'However' is a good way to introduce what?
2. Why is it good to use specific examples like 'food and clothes' in an essay?
3. The 'wish' for this essay is to "Explain Your Points". What is the best way to do this?
4. Which of these is a potential BENEFIT of multiculturalism?
5. Judging someone unfairly because of their background is called...
6. Which of these is a potential PROBLEM of multiculturalism?
7. What is the main purpose of an essay's conclusion?
8. In this essay, the student's final judgement is that whether multiculturalism is good or bad depends on...
Candidate 7126
Word Count: ~85 words | Essay 2
Score: 6/12 Band 3
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
Multiculturalism is an area or place where
there are many cultures. It shape life in Britain
today by with the different cultures on different
areas for example the hispanic people in elephant
& castle. The Benefits of Britain's multiculturalism
is that we can learn other cultures their clothing
and food. The tension of having many
different cultures in one society is that
people could be rasis rasis. and chalnge recriso.
Overall I don't agree with the settlement.
Because my personal opion I think Britain's m
Overall JudgementGreat start. This is a really strong first attempt at a complex topic. You have successfully identified both a benefit and a problem of multiculturalism, which shows you are thinking like a true critical thinker. Your specific example of Elephant & Castle was fantastic and showed real-world knowledge. For next time, remember to add one more sentence to each point to explain *why* it is a benefit or a problem.
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Excellent Local Example: Your mention of "the hispanic people in elephant & castle" is a brilliant, specific piece of evidence. It's much stronger than just saying 'London is diverse'. This shows you are connecting the topic to the real world.
Balanced Argument: You did a great job of looking at two sides of the issue. You mentioned a benefit (learning about food and clothes) and also a tension (racism). This is the most important skill for writing a good essay.
One Wish 💡
Develop Your Points: In your next essay, try to add a 'because...' sentence after each point you make. For example, "We can learn about other cultures' food, which is a benefit *because* it makes life more interesting and helps us to understand different traditions."
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. What made your example of "Elephant & Castle" so effective?
2. In your essay, you looked at both the 'benefits' and the 'tensions'. What is this skill called?
3. What was the 'wish' or main target for your next essay?
4. In your essay, you identified that 'tension' between cultures can lead to what problem?
5. Which of these is another key benefit of multiculturalism mentioned in the mark scheme?
6. A key term for when communities live separately without mixing is...
7. The feedback suggested adding a sentence to develop your points. Which of these would be a good way to start that sentence?
8. What is the meaning of 'integration' in the context of multiculturalism?
Candidate 7129
Word Count: ~118 words | Essay 2
Score: 5/12 Band 2
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
Multicultrulism is a place that is made up with different cultrases, and beliefs. Et al so has traditions, which has many goods, good spirits and pride to themselves. This all o happens in britian because everyone can learn new bel efs. It will bring people more closer. As they commun icute better and more closer i t can conduct a big society like e a culture of its a tra dition.Another reason why people might think multiculture has more than problems is be cause as Is people can ha ve a strong relationship with other people or families. It can build up a multic ulture societyso thats why i disagreebecause people c an change.
Overall JudgementWell done. This is a good start, and you have a clear opinion on multiculturalism. You explain really well how it can bring people closer and help them build strong relationships, which is a key benefit. To get into the higher bands next time, the main thing to focus on is explaining the *other* side of the argument too, even if you don't agree with it. Remember to always look at both sides of the debate.
Try this: "For example, a key benefit of multiculturalism is that it allows people to build strong relationships with families from different backgrounds, which creates a more connected society."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Clear Judgement: You did a great job of making your own view clear by saying "so that's why I disagree". This shows the examiner you are thinking for yourself.
Positive Examples: Your idea that multiculturalism helps people "communicate better and more closer" is a brilliant and specific example of a benefit.
One Wish 💡
Develop a Counter-Argument: In your next essay, try to include a paragraph that starts with "Some people might disagree because...". This shows the examiner you have thought about both sides of the argument.
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. What was a key strength praised in the 'Two Stars' feedback?
2. What is the main target ('wish') for your next essay?
3. According to your essay, multiculturalism helps people to...
4. Which of these is a potential PROBLEM of multiculturalism, according to the mark scheme?
5. The term for treating someone unfairly because of their background is...
6. A good way to introduce a counter-argument, as suggested in the 'wish', is to use the phrase:
7. The 'Rewritten' sentence in the feedback aimed to make your point...
8. One of the key benefits of multiculturalism listed in the mark scheme is that it...
Candidate 7130
Word Count: ~253 words | Essay 2
Score: 9/12 Band 4
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
Essay 2: "Britain's multiculturalism creates more problems than benefits." (12 marks)
Multiculturalism is a [crossed out: community] a place that is [crossed out: filled] [written above: formed] with different culturs, beliefs, and tradion. This shapes life in Britain because everyone can learn new beliefs and tradtion which will bring people more closer together as a [crossed out: community] [written above: community]. [crossed out: Benefits] to multiculturalism is that people will get a better understanding of the peoples lives. This is why multiculturalism creates more benefits than problems.
Another reason why [crossed out: people] some might think multicultural multiculturalism has more [crossed out: more] benefits than problems is because people in a multicultural society [crossed out: of or] community have a better understanding about people [crossed out: like] from other countries and might even like to learn about other countries beliefs, and [crossed out: home] traditions.
However some people might disagree with the statement because being part of a multicultural society can lead to other people being judge or mistreat because of their beliefs. People would be racist and [crossed out: islude] others [crossed out: & from their events and other things] because of what they believe in, this can lead to unsecurited and people being scared to be who they [crossed out: are] [written above: truly] are around people and this can destroy peoples self-confidence.
In addition, some people might disagree with the statement because people will discriminate people in person but many online so the person they want to humiliate can be protected by the online world which can lead to anxiety or even depression to.
In conclusion I believe that a multicultural society can be a good or a bad thing depending on how it is very used. For example if people want to discriminate people I would think it would cause more problems but if people wanted to learn about people's lives and beliefs then I would think that it caus creates more benefits.
Overall JudgementExcellent. This is a really thoughtful and well-structured essay. You have successfully looked at both the benefits and the problems of multiculturalism, which is exactly what the question asks for. Your points about the negative impacts of racism and discrimination on a person's self-confidence and mental health were particularly powerful. Your conclusion was superb because it weighed up both sides to come to a final, balanced judgement. Remember how you explained the *impact* of a problem on a person – that's a top-level skill to use again!
Try this: "Additionally, discrimination can happen both in person and online, which can be even harder to escape and may lead to serious problems like anxiety and depression."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Balanced Argument: You did a fantastic job of looking at both sides of the argument. You explained the benefits (learning, understanding) and then used 'However' to introduce the problems (racism, discrimination). This shows great essay structure.
Explaining the Impact: You didn't just say racism is a problem, you explained *why*. Saying it can "destroy peoples self-confidence" and make them "scared to be who they truly are" is a very thoughtful and developed point.
One Wish 💡
Use a Specific Example: To make your next essay even stronger, try to include a specific, real-world example. For instance, when discussing the benefits, you could have mentioned how the NHS relies on doctors and nurses from many different countries to care for people in Britain.
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. One of the big strengths of this essay was its 'balanced argument'. What does this mean?
2. The feedback praised the essay for 'explaining the impact'. Which of these is the best example of explaining an impact?
3. What was the 'wish' or target for next time?
4. The essay mentions 'discrimination'. What is the best definition of this term?
5. What does the key term 'multiculturalism' mean?
6. According to the essay, what is a key BENEFIT of multiculturalism?
7. According to the essay, what is a key PROBLEM caused by multiculturalism?
8. The feedback praised the essay's conclusion. What is the main job of a conclusion?
Candidate 7131
Word Count: ~172 words | Essay 2
Score: 8/12 Band 3
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
A multiculturalism is a community that has different people from different countries or towns. I think that this statement is wrong.Some people say that this statement is correct. This is because in Britain, people learn a lot of things from people with different cultures. That's why now you see different races being friends and living in the same communitys. Multiculturalism is beneficial that why people celebrate different things.However,some people might think this statement's wrong this is because some British people might not like the people who came to their country instead of staying in their country. This can lead to problems and lead to a lot of hate.Overall I think this statement is correct because if it wasn't then there wouldn't be people who are mixed race and at events for different cultures there wouldn't be other people trying to about that culture.But on the other hand it could
cause problems in other parts of the world.
Overall JudgementExcellent. You have built a really well-structured argument here, looking at both the benefits and problems of multiculturalism. It was great to see you use real-world examples to make your points stronger. Your conclusion got a little bit confused about which side you were on, but the reasons you gave were very strong. For next time, just make sure your final sentence clearly states your own opinion.
Try this: "Overall, I believe the statement is wrong. Although some problems can exist, the benefits of learning from new cultures and seeing people become friends are far more important."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Balanced Argument: You did a brilliant job of looking at both sides of the issue. Using the word "However" to switch from the benefits to the problems was a fantastic way to show the examiner you can think like a debater.
Using Real-World Examples: You supported your points with examples from life, like "different races being friends" and people attending cultural events. This is much more powerful than just making general statements.
One Wish 💡
Make Your Conclusion Crystal Clear: Your conclusion started by saying the statement was 'correct' but then gave excellent reasons why it was 'wrong'. In your next essay, try to start your conclusion with a really clear sentence like, "In conclusion, I believe..." and make sure it matches your reasons.
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. Using a word like "However" is a good way to...
2. Why is using a specific example like "different races being friends" a good technique?
3. What is the most important job of the conclusion in an essay?
4. What is the best definition of 'multiculturalism'?
5. According to the essay, what is one benefit of multiculturalism?
6. According to the essay, what is one potential problem of multiculturalism?
7. The mark scheme mentions 'mutual respect' as a British value. What does this mean?
8. If you are running out of time in an exam, what is the most important thing to write for a conclusion?
Candidate 7133
Word Count: ~232 words | Essay 2
Score: 8/12 Band 3
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
A multicultural society is a society with many types of people that have different backgrounds. It shapes Britain by many cultures sharing their personality. I will show both sides of this argument.Some people might agree with this statement because if someone moves to a country that doesn't speak their language, it is not common it would create language barriers that will lead to misunderstandings.In addition, some people can discriminate others just because of how they look or speak (racism).People could be in danger because if someone keeps seeing people who speak or how they live their life they would think that that is the correct way to live in their country. If they see someone doing something differently people would start mocking them which is a push factor for many countries.Someone might disagree because people have more of a variety of cultures with many types of celebrations, food and personalities.In addition, it would be very boring if everyone did the so same thing the same way and if there are more types of people it would be more interesting.People would be more happier because then there are more people doing something that you like.Also they could teach you how their country is like and learn things.In conclusion, I disagree with this statement because you can learn many new things about peoples culture, personality and celebrations.You could also be inspired by them because if they help the community in a certain way you could do the same.My last positive about this statement is that the country would be less boring because people are doing things they enjoy in different ways.
Overall JudgementExcellent. This is a really well-structured and thoughtful essay, especially for timed conditions. You have a clear introduction and conclusion, and you did a fantastic job of looking at both the problems and the benefits of multiculturalism. You identified important real-world issues like language barriers and racism. For next time, remember the key skill is to explain *why* you think the benefits are more important than the problems.
Try this: "In conclusion, while problems like discrimination are serious, I believe the benefits of multiculturalism are greater because learning about new cultures, foods and ideas makes our country a more interesting and tolerant place to live."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Brilliant Structure: You organised your essay perfectly. You had an introduction, a paragraph for the problems, a paragraph for the benefits, and a conclusion. This made your argument very clear and easy to follow.
Balanced Thinking: You didn't just give your own opinion. You thought carefully about the other side of the argument, identifying real problems like 'language barriers' and 'racism'. This shows you are a mature thinker.
One Wish 💡
Develop Your Evaluation: In your next essay, try to directly compare the two sides. For example, you could say: "Although language barriers can be a problem, I think the benefit of having diverse food and celebrations is more important because...". This shows you are weighing up the arguments.
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. What was a major strength of this essay's structure?
2. The feedback praised the essay for considering problems like 'racism'. What skill does this show?
3. What is the "One Wish" target asking the student to do next time?
4. Which of these terms describes the process of different communities living together successfully and mixing in one society?
5. In the essay, what was given as a reason why multiculturalism might create problems?
6. What was one of the main *benefits* of multiculturalism mentioned in the essay?
7. The essay question asks whether multiculturalism creates "more problems than benefits". What key skill is this question testing?
8. The idea that everyone in Britain should respect the law, no matter their cultural background, is a British Value known as what?
Candidate 7134
Word Count: ~98 words | Essay 2
Score: 6/12 Band 3
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
agree disagree
I agree agree with Quote 2. Multi culturalism is many people from different backgrounds, Ethnics, Religion, Skin Coulors all living together. This causes many problems in society.Many people agree that the goverment should'nt allow more forigners to come to the UK as there is no room for them.On the other hand Many Say They Should be allowed as a sighn of peice. For example if have the Community dont like how the goverment allow things then they Can protest for what is overall rights. personally I belive that if UK got over having Certain people in UK the benifits would be a bigger problem.
Overall JudgementWell done. This is a strong start to essay writing under timed conditions! You have successfully looked at both sides of the argument about multiculturalism, which is a really important skill. You started with a clear definition and then gave a reason for and a reason against the statement. For next time, remember to explain *why* each point is a problem or a benefit.
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Clear Definition: You started your essay with a really clear and accurate definition of the key term 'multiculturalism'. This shows you understood the question straight away.
Using Counter-Argument: You used the phrase 'On the other hand' to introduce a different viewpoint. This is a brilliant exam skill because it shows you can think about both sides of an argument.
One Wish 💡
Explain your points: In your next essay, try to use the word 'because' after each point you make. For example, instead of just saying there is 'no room', you could explain *why* this is a problem by saying '...there is no room for them, **because** this puts pressure on services like schools and hospitals.'
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. What was one of the key strengths of this essay?
2. The feedback suggests using which word to help explain your points more fully?
3. What does the key term 'prejudice' mean?
4. Which of these is a potential BENEFIT of multiculturalism?
5. According to the feedback, what is a good way to show you understand the question right from the start?
6. The term for different groups in society living together and mixing successfully is:
7. Why is using a phrase like 'On the other hand' a good exam technique?
8. What was the main 'wish' or target for improvement in the feedback?
Candidate 7135
Word Count: ~142 words | Essay 1
Score: 6/12 Band 3
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
Someone may agree because they believe that some relgous rules for animals are fair. They believe that we shouldn't torture animals for their own satisfaction. Some religons also believe that they shouldn't destroy their Gods creations. They believe animals should be treated how we want to be treatedAlthoughSome People may disagree because the animals have preferia so they will gain something good for Air selves and some People might think that some animal's purpose are to die and turn into something humans wear or eat.
People like foods straight from animals because its more cheaper and not every can afford the expensiveness.In my own oppinionif we didnt kill animals for our own satisfaction we won't have a lot of things like - leather, wool, materials, food, or milk and many more things.
Overall JudgementWell done. This is a really promising start to essay writing. You have built a clear, two-sided argument, which is the most important skill at this stage. You also included the important religious idea that humans should care for God's creations. To get into the higher bands, the next step is to make these points more specific. For next time, try to name one specific religion or key term in your answer.
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Excellent Structure: You have structured your essay really well, looking at both the 'agree' and 'disagree' sides of the argument. Using a word like 'Although' is a fantastic way to show you are considering a different viewpoint.
Clear Religious Ideas: You included the important religious idea that humans shouldn't destroy 'Gods creations'. This is a great link to the concept of stewardship and shows you are thinking about the religious reasons behind animal welfare.
One Wish 💡
Add Specific Examples: In your next essay, try to include a specific religious teaching or key word to make your points even stronger. For example, instead of just 'some relgous rules', you could mention the Christian idea of 'stewardship' or the Hindu principle of 'ahimsa' (non-violence).
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. What does using a word like "Although" show an examiner?
2. The feedback mentions the idea of caring for "Gods creations". What is the Christian key term for this responsibility?
3. What was the main "wish" or target for improvement in the feedback?
4. The Hindu and Buddhist principle of non-violence towards all living things is called...
5. In Islam, the rules for humane slaughter and what is permissible to eat are known as...
6. In your essay, which of these was a reason you gave for disagreeing with the statement?
7. Your feedback included a rewritten sentence to show you how to be more specific. What did the new sentence include?
8. The Jewish principle that animals must not suffer needlessly is called...
Candidate 7136
Word Count: ~76 words | Essay 1
Score: 5/12 Band 2
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
I Disagreebecause your religion shouldn't tell you what to do it should be your own Morality that decides if it's right or wrong.People Naturally should just know what to do and not to do given common sense
Religion and beliefs impact people in different ways. I belief I can see why people would want to do the right thing and follow their religion out.In Conclusion the human society shouldn't need religious believes to know whats right to let treat animals. It should just be
Overall JudgementWell done. This is a really promising start to essay writing! You have made your own argument very clear and, most impressively, you have tried to see the other side of the debate too. This shows you are thinking like a real philosopher. The next step is to add one specific example to make your excellent points even stronger. For next time, remember to back up your main idea with a piece of evidence.
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Clear Point of View: You started your essay with a powerful and direct "I Disagree". This immediately told the reader exactly what you think, which is a fantastic skill.
Brave Counter-Argument: The sentence where you said you can see why people *would* follow their religion was brilliant. Considering the other viewpoint makes your own argument much more convincing.
One Wish 💡
Add Specific Evidence: Your idea that 'common sense' and 'morality' are important is great. In your next essay, try to support a point like this with a specific example, like a particular law (e.g. the Animal Welfare Act) or a non-religious group (e.g. the RSPCA).
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. What was a key strength of the very first sentence of your essay?
2. Why was it good to include the sentence "I can see why people would want to... follow their religion"?
3. What is the main target for your next essay?
4. The Hindu and Buddhist principle of 'non-violence' towards all living things is called...
5. The Christian idea that humans are responsible for looking after the world is known as...
6. An argument based on reason, law, or personal morality rather than religion is called a...
7. In an RS essay, what is the skill of weighing up both sides of an argument called?
8. Which of these is a specific religious argument that could be used to SUPPORT the essay statement?
Candidate 7138
Word Count: ~180 words | Essay 1
Score: 6/12 Band 3
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
We should treat animals with respect because animals are useful. For example animals help us when we feel lonely or sad animals come to us and cuddle up to, us. But other people animals like chicken they give us egg for lunch, breakfast or dinner. a cow gives up milk for lots of stuff such as Cereal, yogurt, cake and custard.If we don't treat animals with respect. Why should people treat us with respect.If you are religious and if you are not you should still treat them with careness & respect. You could treat them good in the past or the modern society you should still treat them with respect. You should also treat human with respect as well as animals. If you want to be nice to somebody and you don't know them you could just smile at them. So always be nice to people/animal and it don't matter your religion.
Overall JudgementWell done. This is a thoughtful essay with some really clear ideas. You used excellent, everyday examples to show why we should be kind to animals, and it was brilliant that you considered both religious and non-religious people. This shows you are starting to weigh up different ideas. To make your next essay even stronger, try to include a specific religious teaching you have learned about, like 'stewardship' or 'ahimsa', and explain what it means.
Try this: "For example, a Christian might believe in 'stewardship', which means God gave them a duty to care for animals, while a non-religious person might argue for kindness based on fairness alone."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Clear Examples: I was really impressed with your clear examples of how animals are useful, like chickens for eggs and cows for milk. This made your argument very easy to understand.
Considering Viewpoints: It was great that you thought about both religious and non-religious people, arguing that everyone should treat animals with respect. This shows you are thinking like a real philosopher!
One Wish 💡
Use Specific Evidence: In your next essay, try to include one specific religious teaching to support your ideas. For example, you could mention Christian 'stewardship' or the Hindu idea of 'ahimsa' (non-violence) and explain it.
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. Why was using examples like 'cows for milk' a good idea in the essay?
2. The feedback mentioned thinking about 'religious and non-religious people'. What skill does this show?
3. What is the main 'wish' or target for the next essay?
4. What does the Christian idea of 'stewardship' mean?
5. The Hindu and Buddhist principle of 'ahimsa' is a commitment to...
6. What was one of the main reasons the student gave for treating animals with respect?
7. The teacher suggested rewriting a sentence to include a specific religious idea. This helps to make the argument...
8. What do the religious terms 'halal' (Islam) and 'kosher' (Judaism) relate to?
Candidate 7139
Word Count: ~117 words | Essay 1
Score: 5/12 Band 2
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
agree I think thatreligus belifs should guild humans on how they are we should treat animals so Because humans treat selfishly selectively Selfish take. over and force animals to eat and breed so they can get money for themselfs just they can live a nice life but the animals didn't say if they were happy. most people will stop and stop hurting animals and start being kind to the animal.On the other handif humans stop eating animals we would wouldn't get the protein humans need. The world will start to die and we wont survive and animals will over populate so people can argue that it is all part of the food chain.
Lenny
Overall JudgementWell done. This is a great start to your first RS essay, Lenny! You have shown the brilliant skill of looking at both sides of an argument, which is what top-level essays do. I was really impressed by your use of 'On the other hand' to structure your thinking. To get into the next band, your next step is to include a specific piece of religious evidence to back up your ideas. For next time, remember to link one of your points to a key term like 'stewardship' or 'ahimsa'.
Try this: "I agree that religious beliefs should guide how we treat animals. For example, the Christian idea of stewardship teaches that humans have a duty to care for the world God created, which means we shouldn't be selfish."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Excellent Structure: You used the phrase 'On the other hand' perfectly. This is a high-level skill that shows you are thinking about both sides of the debate.
Thoughtful Argument: Your point about humans being 'selfish' and not knowing if animals are 'happy' is a really thoughtful and philosophical idea. It shows you are thinking deeply about the question.
One Wish 💡
Use Specific Evidence: In your next essay, try to include a specific religious teaching to support one of your points. For example, you could mention the Christian idea of 'stewardship' or the Hindu principle of 'ahimsa' (non-violence).
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. What phrase did the teacher praise for showing two sides of the argument?
2. What is the main 'wish' (target) for this student to improve next time?
3. The Christian idea that humans have a duty to look after the world for God is called...
4. One of the 'stars' (strengths) was for making a thoughtful point about...
5. In Hinduism and Buddhism, the principle of 'non-violence' towards all living things is known as...
6. Why is including a counter-argument a good exam technique?
7. Which of these is a reason someone might DISAGREE that religion should guide animal treatment?
8. Based on the feedback, which sentence would be the best way to improve this essay?
Candidate 7141
Word Count: ~24 words | Essay 1
Score: 3/12 Band 2
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
I agreeas animals are important to us. They help us survive physically and emotionally. They're good for food and comfort.
Overall JudgementWell done. You’ve made a really clear start here under the pressure of exam conditions. You confidently state your opinion and give two good reasons to support it – that animals help us physically and emotionally. This is a great foundation for an essay. To get into the higher bands, the key is to connect your ideas to the 'religious beliefs' part of the question. For next time, remember to include one specific religious idea to back up your points.
Try this: "They help us survive physically and emotionally, which is why a religious idea like Christian stewardship teaches that humans have a duty to care for them."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Clear Starting Point: You began your essay with a very clear 'I agree', which immediately tells the reader your point of view. This is a strong way to start an argument.
Giving Reasons: You didn't just state your opinion, you gave reasons for it by explaining that animals help us 'physically and emotionally'. This is a key skill in RS!
One Wish 💡
Link to a Religious Belief: In your next essay, try to include and explain at least one specific religious idea. For example, you could mention the Christian idea of 'stewardship' or the Hindu principle of 'ahimsa' (non-violence) and explain how it supports your point about caring for animals.
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. Why is it a good idea to start your essay with a clear statement like "I agree"?
2. In your feedback, what was praised as a key skill in RS?
3. What was the main 'wish' or target for your next essay?
4. What is the name for the Christian belief that humans have a duty to look after the world for God?
5. The Hindu and Buddhist principle of 'ahimsa' means...
6. Why is it important to include a religious idea in an RS essay about animals?
7. What does the Jewish principle of 'tza'ar ba'alei chayyim' teach?
8. To get higher marks, it's good to consider both sides. What is a counter-argument?
Candidate 7143
Word Count: ~215 words | Essay 2
Score: 8/12 Band 3
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
Multiculturalism is when a society is filled with different cultures and backgrounds. Multiculturalism has shaped Britain in both a good and a bad way. as many people believe that they have made Britain a better place, but some people believe they have made it a bad place.Many people believe that a Multiculturalism Society has benefitted Britain because having many people from different cultures coming into new communities can create support for the people that need it the most.And having a multicultural so community can be good because it can bring new food and flavours and Having a Multicultural Society can also benefit the economy, because bringing in more people can create more jobs, that can also benefit them.It's also likely they having a multicultural society can bring more different types of things of celebrations.However, on the other hand many people
May not think think having a multicultural society may benefit Britain, this is because there may be a lot of tension arising from people, such as, protests, fights and also conflict.This could be because people think it was a horrible idea to allow lots of people with different cultures to come and live in Britain.Many people that have lived in Britain their whole life might believe that, the more people that come, the less jobs that there will be.Communities can work together, by supporting eachother, even if they have a different county culture or background. They should be a com Communitys should be celebrating their differences instead of hating eachother if someone has a unique culture background.
Overall JudgementExcellent work. This is a really well-structured essay for timed conditions. You clearly understood the question and managed to explore both the benefits and the problems of multiculturalism, which is exactly what the top marks require. Your conclusion was particularly thoughtful, offering a positive message about celebrating differences. Remember to keep using that 'for' and 'against' structure in your future essays!
Try this: "Many people that have lived in Britain their whole life might believe that, the more people that come, the less jobs that there will be." could be even stronger as: "For example, some people might worry that immigration could lead to increased competition for jobs, creating economic tension in some communities."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Balanced Argument: You did a fantastic job of looking at both sides of the argument. You explained several benefits of multiculturalism (like new food and more jobs) and then clearly explored the problems (like tension and conflict).
Thoughtful Conclusion: Your final paragraph was a real strength. You didn't just stop writing; you gave your own reasoned judgement that communities should celebrate their differences, which is a powerful way to end your essay.
One Wish 💡
Use Specific Examples: In your next essay, try to include one specific, real-world example to make your points even stronger. For instance, when you mention celebrations, you could name a specific festival like Diwali or Notting Hill Carnival to make your argument more vivid.
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. According to the feedback, what was a key strength of this essay?
2. The teacher praised the final paragraph. Why was it a strong conclusion?
3. What is the main target (the 'wish') to improve the next essay?
4. Which of these is a potential BENEFIT of multiculturalism that was mentioned in the essay?
5. Which phrase is a good example of 'evaluative language' that helps to structure an argument?
6. According to the essay, what is one reason some people might worry about multiculturalism?
7. The term 'mutual respect' is a key idea in multicultural societies. What does it mean?
8. What is the teacher's main advice for making a point more convincing in an essay?
Candidate 7144
Word Count: ~112 words | Essay 1
Score: 6/12 Band 3
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
Different religions teach us how to take
care of animals
Some religious diolory laws like you muslims
restricts them from eating pork and if
they gonna kill a get goat it must be
done in a specific way with a
religious knife, This would help animals
who prays to stay alive in there mothers
womb.
There are some arguments were people
say animals don't have feelings so
it dosent matter if we cut them
wear them or put there lives at
risk with unsafe chemicals Jose-
to test if the medicine is safe
or not.other people may say
animals are wrong creatures like us
so we treat them like us to
Overall JudgementWell done. This is a really promising essay for timed conditions. You have successfully structured your answer to look at both sides of the argument, which is a key skill. You used a good, specific example from Islam and then presented a clear counter-argument about animal testing. For your next essay, focus on explaining your points in a little more detail.
Try this: "On the other hand, some people argue that because animals are living creatures just like us, they deserve to be treated with kindness and respect."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Excellent Specific Example: You used a great, specific example from Islam about how animals are treated for food. This is much better than just saying "religion cares about animals."
Considering Both Sides: You showed brilliant exam skills by including a counter-argument. Explaining that some people think animal feelings don't matter for things like medicine testing shows you can think about both sides of a debate.
One Wish 💡
Explain the 'Why': You've got great ideas. In your next essay, try to explain them a little more. For example, after mentioning the "specific way" to kill a goat, you could add a sentence explaining *why* Muslims believe this way is more respectful to the animal. This is called 'developing your point'.
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. What was one of the main strengths of your essay?
2. What is a 'counter-argument'?
3. What is the 'wish' or target for your next essay?
4. The rules in Islam about how to prepare food, including the humane treatment of animals, are called...
5. The Christian idea that humans are responsible for looking after the world and its creatures is called...
6. In Hinduism and Buddhism, the principle of 'non-violence' towards all living things is known as...
7. In your essay, which real-world issue did you use as a counter-argument where animals might be harmed?
8. The Jewish teaching that animals must not suffer needlessly is called...
Candidate 7145
Word Count: ~314 words | Essay 2
Score: 9/12 Band 4
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
[Checkbox ticked for Essay 2]
[Marginalia: A (arguments) for multiculturalism]
Some people might disagree with the statement 'Britain's multiculturalism creates more problems than benefits'as it can help others perspective and develops understanding of the world around them.For instance multiculturalism helps people explore diverse music, food and celebrations.Furthermore, as the economy of Britain strengthens, as there are migrants to fill the gaps of people who are unemployed.
[Marginalia: A (arguments) against multiculturalism]
However, others may agree with the this statement,as there are some new disadvantages to multiculturalism in the Britain. For example, large racism and pretty multiculturalism multiculturalism can cause tension, prejudice and racial tension.In Addition to this point, language barriers are another factor of the the disadventage negatives to multiculturalism in the Britain, as it causes miscommunication, and misconceptions, which could lead to verbal conflict and tensions.
* which strengthens the people's understanding of
[Page 2]
[Marginalia: A (arguments) for multiculturalism]
view things.
However, others might see thingsand could even create better stronger communities and a life and that it works for others around them.Furthermore, others could also see multiculturalism as a benefit, as many immigrants who come to Britain help often come for jobs (economic migrants), which help secure and strengthen the and they take fill the gaps of unemployment in Britain. This point could be seen as an advantage, since it helps secure and strengthen the economy of Britain.
[Marginalia: A (arguments) against multiculturalism]
*2 there could be there is also a negative impact of multiculturalism could be disagreement in political views on what should be the policy on immigrants means to Britain, which could be considered a negative, as not only would this cause rifs between people from different cultures and backgrounds, but also could cause lead to damage in the local communities.
[Marginalia: (conclusion)]
To sum up all of the points of views, my opinion is on the statement is that multiculturalism is more positive of a benefit than a positive, as it can help change people's point of views in order to get a better understanding of how the world works.
Overall JudgementExcellent work. This is a fantastic essay for Year 7, showing a really mature ability to think about a complex issue. You have structured your answer brilliantly, looking at both the good and bad sides of multiculturalism before reaching your own conclusion. You used specific examples, like the economy and language barriers, which made your arguments very convincing. For your next essay, remember to try and include a different point in each new paragraph to make your argument even wider.
Try this: "In conclusion, I believe that the benefits of multiculturalism, such as helping us understand the world better, are more significant than the problems it can create."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Balanced Argument: You did a fantastic job of looking at both sides of the argument. You clearly explained the benefits of multiculturalism (like diverse food and a stronger economy) and then also explored the problems (like language barriers and prejudice).
Great Use of Examples: You used really clear and specific examples to support your points. Mentioning how migrants 'fill the gaps' in employment to strengthen the economy was a particularly strong and well-explained point.
One Wish 💡
Develop a Wider Range of Points: In your next essay, try to introduce a new and different point for each paragraph. For example, after your excellent point about the economy, you could have explored how having a diverse society helps Britain build better relationships with other countries around the world.
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. One of the 'stars' praised your essay for having a 'balanced argument'. What does this mean?
2. The feedback highlighted your example about migrants filling job gaps. This is best described as what kind of point?
3. What was the 'wish' or target for improvement for your next essay?
4. Your essay correctly identified that racism and misunderstanding can lead to what?
5. What is the correct term for a society where many different cultures live together?
6. In an essay, when you give an argument that goes against the main point, what is it called?
7. What is a key skill needed to move from a simple (Band 2) answer to a developed (Band 3/4) answer?
8. Which of these was mentioned in the essay as a BENEFIT of multiculturalism?
Candidate 7146
Word Count: ~180 words | Essay 2
Score: 8/12 Band 3
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
I strongly disagree that Britains Multiculturalism creates more problems than benefits because it helps Britains global connections, and tradelinks and creative ideas from around the world. Multiculturalism means when many traditions and beleifs in one society. Diffient, backgrounds and cultures give ideas like such as: diverse, food, art, and jobs. Also NHS, Schools, hospitals and public services change for better the people who are diffrent have changed alot as they've add beleifs translaters, celebrations for different tradition, and beleifs, days decorations, languages.
However. Some people might argue that Britains multiculturalism creates more problems than benefits. because this can make create lots of impacts on the citizens to Eg. problems, problems for Britain. For example, language barriers, causing misunderstanding, increasing hate crimes, racism and bulling. this can mostly impact people in Britain because there's could be less job, house opportunities.
Overall, I strongly disagree with that Britains multiculturalism creates more problems than benifits because this adds more traditions and celebrations. Instead of this, who ever despite diffrents, if your black, white, muslim, christion If you're muslim, christion, come from another country and different skin colors. everyone everyone should help eachother out and be kind and share to show care.
Overall JudgementExcellent. This is a very well-structured answer for a timed essay, well done! You have clearly thought about both the benefits and the problems of multiculturalism and used great examples like the NHS to make your points. Your conclusion about everyone being kind was a really thoughtful way to end. To get into the top band next time, focus on explaining *why* you think the benefits are more important than the problems.
Try this: "Some people worry that this could impact opportunities in Britain, for example by creating more competition for jobs or housing."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Excellent Structure: You have structured your essay perfectly by looking at both sides of the argument. You started with your own view, then used 'However' to introduce the other side, before finishing with a conclusion. This is a high-level skill!
Specific Examples: You used brilliant, specific examples to support your points. Mentioning the NHS, translators in schools, and diverse food makes your argument much more convincing than just saying 'it's good for society'.
One Wish 💡
Explain 'Why': In your next essay, try to explain *why* one side of the argument is stronger than the other. For example, use a phrase like "Although there are problems like language barriers, the benefits are more important because..." This shows you are weighing up the arguments to reach your conclusion.
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. According to your feedback, what is a great word to use when you want to introduce an opposing argument?
2. One of your 'stars' was for using specific examples. Which of these examples was praised in your feedback?
3. What is the main 'wish' or target for your next essay?
4. In a discussion about multiculturalism, what does 'prejudice' mean?
5. Your essay correctly identified some problems associated with multiculturalism. Which of these was mentioned?
6. Your essay also mentioned several benefits. Which of these was one of your key points?
7. What does the term 'integration' mean in this topic?
8. The 'wish' for next time is to weigh up the arguments. What is this high-level skill called?
Candidate 7148
Word Count: ~73 words | Essay 1
Score: 4/12 Band 2
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
yesbecause if your relgous you can do and eat certain thingslike when yr muslim you can't eat pork and some other stuff you [s]can't[/s] do is get married have erkingt before being married
I fully agreebecause if ur religous then you wont be able to do stuff that you would be able to if you were not religous.I agreebecause your relgous and your god wont allow you to do some stuff.
Overall JudgementWell done. This is a good start and you have answered the question directly. The best part of your answer was using a specific example from Islam about not eating pork — using real-world evidence like this is exactly what we are looking for. To improve, your next step is to explain your examples in more detail. After you give an example, try adding a sentence that says 'this shows that...' to link it back to the question about animals. Remember for next time: give an example, then explain it.
Try this: "For example, when you are Muslim you can't eat pork. This shows how a religious belief directly guides what a person is allowed to eat, which is a way of treating animals."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Clear Point of View: You made your opinion very clear from the first word ("yes") and stuck to it throughout your answer. That's a great way to start an essay!
Using a Specific Example: You included a great piece of factual knowledge by mentioning that Muslims cannot eat pork. Using specific examples is a brilliant way to support your points.
One Wish 💡
Explain Your Evidence: In your next essay, after you give an example, try to add a sentence to explain *how* it proves your point. You could start the sentence with "This is important because..." or "This shows that...".
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. What was a key strength of this essay's opening?
2. The feedback praised the essay for using a specific example from which religion?
3. What is the main 'wish' or target for improvement in the next essay?
4. What is the Hindu and Buddhist principle of 'non-violence' towards all living things called?
5. In Islam, food that is permitted is called 'halal'. What is the word for something that is forbidden, like pork?
6. To achieve a higher band in an essay, it's important to show you have thought about different views. This means including a...
7. The Christian idea that God gave humans the responsibility to look after the planet and its creatures is called...
8. Based on the 'One Wish' feedback, which of these sentences is the strongest?
Candidate 7216
Word Count: ~148 words | Essay 2
Score: 9/12 Band 4
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
Britain has a multicultural society however it does suggest can cause problems. Language barriers are one problem for instance if someone is trying to tell another person something they won't understand.Another point is that Britain is a small country and if too may people come to England it can result in over population, this is important because there would be no places to go if it is all full.On the other hand, the different cultures may bring different talents like art.Food is another reason, you can try new foods if their is many different cultures.It might even vary the clothing or jewelry in Britain.In conclusion, Britain's multicultural society can bring positives and negatives.However I think that it has more of a positive effect rather than negative because we have translators for the language problem.Also, I find that it is selfish to keep Britain to certain people.
Overall JudgementFantastic! This is a confident and well-structured essay. You clearly explained both the potential problems and the benefits of multiculturalism, using good, relevant examples like food and language barriers. The best part was your final paragraph, where you weighed up both sides and came to your own reasoned conclusion. For your next essay, remember the power of adding one specific detail to make a point even stronger.
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Excellent Structure: You structured your essay really clearly, with one paragraph for 'problems' and another for 'benefits'. Using 'On the other hand' was a perfect way to show you were changing direction.
Strong Evaluation: Your final paragraph was brilliant. You didn't just list points; you weighed them up and made your own judgement. Challenging your own point about language by mentioning translators is a top-level skill!
One Wish 💡
Develop Points with Evidence: In your next essay, try to make your points even stronger by adding a specific piece of evidence. For example, when you mention new foods, you could name a specific type (like curry or pizza) that is now a huge part of British culture.
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. What phrase did this student use to signal they were about to discuss a different viewpoint?
2. The teacher praised the final paragraph as 'Strong Evaluation'. What does evaluation mean in an essay?
3. What was the teacher's 'wish' to help improve the next essay?
4. Which of these was a 'benefit' of multiculturalism mentioned in the essay?
5. Which of these was a 'problem' of multiculturalism mentioned in the essay?
6. What does the key term 'multiculturalism' describe?
7. The idea that different communities in a society should mix and come together successfully is called...
8. In the final paragraph, the student challenged their own earlier point about language barriers by mentioning translators. What important skill does this show?
Candidate 7230
Word Count: ~218 words | Essay 1
Score: 6/12 Band 3
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
I highly agree that different Religions kill animals based on food or hunting but in Islam we only kill animals for food but never for without a reason and if your not going to kill them for food just let them live and set them free in the wild unless it's a house pet. Some people buy and re-sell animals and that can sometimes be bad because buyers can be bad and kill animals for money and they could sell their organs for money. But Some disagree because for example Christianity They eat bacon, Beef, lamb, chicken and much more but bacon is unhealthy and very dangerous for your health and you should eat less of it. Most animals should have the right to food, water, shelter, good family and they should have a family with a good mindset of having
a pet and taking care of it properly. For example Dogs and Cats should have the rights to:
• Food.
• Water.
• Shelter.
• Good family.
• Good Surroundings.
• Good family that plays with their pet and treat it correctly and they shouldn't:
• Kill it.
• harm it.
• Buy one for a bad cause.
• Keep it hostage.
• Not not give it food.
• Not not give it water.
• Not not give it shelter.Overall in my opinion all animals should have the right to food, water, shelter, a good family unless you are killing it for food.
Overall JudgementWell done. This is a thoughtful essay that starts with a really clear and well-explained point about Islam. You showed good knowledge here. You also successfully included a counter-argument about Christianity, which is a high-level skill. Remember to always link your points back to the main question about *religious beliefs*.
Try this: "Many people believe animals have rights to food and shelter. Some Christians might say this is part of their duty of 'stewardship' – the idea that God gave them the world to look after."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Specific Religious Knowledge: You used an excellent, specific example from Islam, explaining that animals should only be killed for food. This was a very strong start to your essay.
Good Argument Structure: You included a counter-argument by mentioning Christian practices. Thinking about the 'other side' is a fantastic skill for essay writing!
One Wish 💡
Link Points to the Question: In your next essay, try to link every point back to the question. When you listed the rights of pets, you could have connected this to a religious idea like 'stewardship' or a non-religious idea like 'animal rights laws' to keep the argument focused.
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. What was a key strength of this essay's opening point about Islam?
2. What skill did the teacher praise when you mentioned Christianity?
3. What is the main advice in the 'One Wish' target for your next essay?
4. The teacher's 'Try this' rewrite suggested linking animal rights to which Christian idea?
5. What is the Hindu and Buddhist principle of 'non-violence' towards all living things called?
6. What is the Islamic term for food that is 'permissible', including meat from animals treated and killed in a specific way?
7. Which of these is a reason someone might DISAGREE that religion should guide animal treatment?
8. What was the main topic of the essay question?
Candidate 7231
Word Count: ~95 words | Essay 1
Score: 6/12 Band 3
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
sheep -> harder to tame easier dog
I strongly disagree because although religious beliefs are important and will be helpful.It is not the modern day way of guiding how to treat animals.for example in the bible, - It states that you shall tame a sheep. in modern - day. most places don't have sheeps that are tamable.also, in modern day, we have an increasingly better support that is only getting better. Vets are better at supporting modern day - animals rather than religious beliefs.
Overall JudgementWell done. This is a really clear and well-argued essay for timed conditions. You start with a brilliant evaluative sentence that immediately shows you are weighing up both sides of the argument. Using the modern example of vets was a clever way to build a strong counter-argument. To push into the top bands next time, focus on using a specific and accurate religious teaching to make your points even stronger.
Try this: "Vets are better at supporting modern day animals rather than religious beliefs" could become "For example, while a religious idea like Christian stewardship is a good principle, a modern vet can provide scientific medical care which is more practical for a sick animal today."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Excellent Evaluation: Starting with "I strongly disagree because although..." is a high-level skill. It shows you are thinking like a debater, acknowledging the other side before making your own powerful point.
Strong Counter-Argument: You didn't just talk about religion. You brought in a very relevant modern-day example – vets – to argue that society has other, better ways to guide animal treatment. This made your argument very convincing.
One Wish 💡
Use Specific Key Terms: Your Bible example was a great idea. To make it even stronger, try to include a specific key term you have learned, like 'stewardship' (the Christian idea of caring for creation) or 'ahimsa' (the Hindu idea of non-violence), and briefly explain what it means.
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. What did the feedback praise about the phrase "I strongly disagree because although..."?
2. What was the 'strong modern counter-argument' you used in your essay?
3. What is the 'One Wish' for your next essay?
4. The 'Try this' rewrite suggested linking a modern idea with a specific religious one. Which religious idea was used as an example?
5. The Hindu and Buddhist principle of 'non-violence' towards all living things is called...
6. In Islam, the rules for humane slaughter to ensure meat is permissible to eat are known as...
7. Which of these is an argument FOR the statement that religion should guide how we treat animals?
8. In a 12-mark essay, why is it good to consider both sides of an argument?
Candidate 7259
Word Count: ~119 words | Essay 2
Score: 7/12 Band 3
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
I disagree with this statementbecause it has heavily impacted and shaped the way Britain is today. Multiculturalism is where there are multiple cultures in one area. It has heavily shaped life in Britain today, from your local gp to the man at your takeaway, they've all impacted and normalised things in Britain in a certain way.The benefits of multiculturalism are many.Such as trying new foods and learning about certain cos customs of different cultures.It can improve the economy by increasing exchange rates.There might be problemsas the British might think that the immigrants are trying to steal their jobs and take over the country.They may also face discrimination and hate.The best way to prevent this is by welcoming them into the community and making them feel wanted.
Overall JudgementExcellent. This is a really thoughtful answer, Candidate 7259. You start with a very clear opinion and give fantastic, real-life examples like the local GP and takeaway to show what multiculturalism looks like. It was also great to see you consider the other side of the argument by thinking about the problems people might face. For next time, try to explain the *impact* of your points a little more to push into the top band.
Try this: "One major benefit is cultural enrichment; for example, trying new foods and learning about different customs helps to create a more vibrant and interesting society for everyone."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Specific Examples: You used brilliant, specific examples from everyday life ('your local gp', 'the man at your takeaway') to make your argument clear and relatable.
Balanced Argument: You did a great job of looking at both sides. You explained the benefits of multiculturalism, but also bravely considered the problems, like discrimination.
One Wish 💡
Explain the Impact: In your next essay, try to explain the *impact* of your points. After giving an example (like 'trying new foods'), add a sentence explaining *why* this is a benefit for Britain. For example, does it bring people together? Does it make life more interesting?
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. The feedback praised the essay for using specific examples. Which of these was an example used in the essay?
2. The feedback mentioned that the essay showed 'balanced thinking' by looking at both benefits and problems. What is this skill called?
3. The 'wish' for next time was to explain the...
4. What is the term for treating someone unfairly because of their race, religion or culture?
5. The idea of many different cultures living together in one society is called...
6. When a writer weighs up both sides of an argument to reach a thoughtful conclusion, what are they doing?
7. According to the mark scheme, which of these is a key benefit of multiculturalism for Britain?
8. The mark scheme mentions a potential problem where communities live separately instead of mixing. What is this sometimes called?
Candidate 7299
Word Count: ~157 words | Essay 1
Score: 3/12 Band 2
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
X I agree becauseThey help provid cheep food To peoplebut kill still and etc horrible Things too them and The God They give is really bad and will reduce Your life time.So instead on The other hand organic food is Good for you but It is expensive and harder To Make and Takes more time.but It is not going To reduce your life Time So It is a good investment and helps The enviroment.I belive Britian Should ban It because It is cruelty To Animals and will put Them in danger.And The more you buy Them The more They will do It.So avoid baying cheep disgusting bad food and instead try Somthing else, for Although It is okay To have It compnies but There is many alterntives like fish and Many more.You can also Stop It. by Telling people and not to eat It. And how It is bad.
Overall JudgementWell done. You have written with real passion and conviction about animal welfare, which is fantastic to see. You built a structured argument, looking at the pros and cons of cheap food before reaching a clear conclusion. This shows good thinking! The most important thing to remember for next time is to read the question very carefully and make sure every point you make links back to its key words. This question was about 'Religious beliefs', so every argument needed to connect to that idea.
Try this: "I believe Britain should ban factory farming because it is cruelty to animals. For example, a Christian might argue this goes against their duty of 'stewardship', which is the idea that God gave humans the job of caring for his creation."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Considering Both Sides: You did a great job of looking at two sides of the issue. You mentioned that cheap food helps people, but then explained why organic food is a better investment for our health and the environment.
Clear Judgement: You made your own opinion very clear and didn't just sit on the fence. It was brilliant to see you suggest real-life actions, like telling other people about the problem.
One Wish 💡
Focus on the Question's Keywords: In your next essay, try to find and highlight the most important words in the question before you start. For this question, the key words were 'Religious beliefs'. Your next step is to make sure every point you write helps to answer the question about those specific keywords.
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. What is a key skill this essay demonstrated, even if it missed the main topic of religion?
2. What was one of the strengths of your argument?
3. What was the main piece of advice (your 'wish') for your next essay?
4. The feedback suggested linking your point about animal cruelty to a religious idea. What Christian concept was mentioned as an example?
5. The Hindu and Buddhist idea of 'non-violence' towards all living things is called...
6. In Islam, the rules for humane slaughter to ensure meat is permissible to eat are known as...
7. In your essay, you mentioned that cheap food helps people but is also cruel. Thinking about two sides of an issue like this is called...
8. If the essay question is "Religious beliefs should guide how we treat animals," what should the main focus of your paragraphs be?
Candidate 7335
Word Count: ~331 words | Essay 2
Score: 9/12 Band 4
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
[Top right notes]
5 rules in our country are the
2 of them are mutual respect and individual liberty
people may
[Middle left notes]
many of cultures and ethnicities live tg
- language barriers
- is less hopes
- many groups stay with their own people - racism
[Main text]
With the following essay essay 2 I disagree with the statement.Many people believe that we shouldn't let more foreigners or different people in the UK - even if they're in need - because they believe they just 'take up more space'. However people of different cultures and ethnicities do so much for us. They introduce us to knew new music, food, clothes and even possibly even new religions! New people equal to new skills. They're are many jobs - like the NHS - that need more people. Migrants do indeed fill the these spaces that we need. And even with education we can learn about their different backgrounds - which benefits us - a diversity is a good thing!Eventhough, I made my point they're still more people that would disagree with what I said because of the following arguments.Some would argue that the language 'barriers' are 'too much' and that it may cause 'problems' if people don't understand eachother. Also the stereotypes may influence people to think badly of others so that also may meant be a reason on why people don't want people to come here.However, if we look into the 5 rules that we should all be following: democracy, mutual respect, individual liberty, rule of law and tolerance of difference. Mutual respect means to be kind to others EVEN if you don't agree with their way of living, beliefs etc. So we shouldn't discriminate others instead.Overall we should focus on trying to bring different backgrounds together.Overall, it is clear that I believe that people multiculturalism creates more benefits than problems.
Overall JudgementExcellent. This is a fantastic essay for Year 7, showing a really mature approach to building an argument. You didn't just list your ideas; you thought about what someone who disagrees would say and then used specific evidence (the British Values) to challenge their view. This is a high-level skill that many students find tricky, so you should be very proud of this work. Remember for next time how powerful it is to use specific facts to support your judgement.
Try this: "New people equal to new skills." could be even stronger as: "Furthermore, when new people arrive they bring valuable skills which can strengthen our economy and public services, such as the NHS."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Excellent Argument Structure: You built a really strong and persuasive argument. You explained your own view, then you fairly described the opposing view, and then you used evidence to explain why your view was stronger. This 'argument-counter-argument-rebuttal' structure is very impressive.
Superb Use of Evidence: Your use of the five British Values was brilliant. You didn't just name them; you picked out 'mutual respect' and explained exactly how it connects to your argument about multiculturalism. Using specific, factual knowledge like this makes your writing much more convincing.
One Wish 💡
Deepen Your Examples: In your next essay, try to add one more specific, real-world example for each point. You mentioned the NHS, which was a perfect example! To make your point about culture even more vivid, you could have mentioned a specific festival like Diwali, a type of music like Reggae, or a food that is now popular in Britain.
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. One of your "stars" was for 'Excellent Argument Structure'. What did this involve?
2. You were praised for using the British Values as evidence. Which value did you explain in detail?
3. What was the 'wish' or target for your next essay?
4. What is the best definition of 'multiculturalism'?
5. According to your essay, what is one problem that some people think multiculturalism creates?
6. You gave a great example of an organisation that relies on migrant workers. Which one was it?
7. The British Value of 'Rule of Law' means that...
8. Which of these words from your essay shows you are evaluating or weighing up two sides?
Candidate 7473
Word Count: ~96 words | Essay 2
Score: 7/12 Band 3
Agree(Supporting argument)
Disagree(Counter-argument)
Judgement(Evaluation)
I think this is more false than truebecause the multiculture society allow's more food from diffrent countries and make britain more lively.Also a Multicultural society shows your welcoming to everybody, which shows makes more people come to the country.On the other hand,alot of tention and racial things happen such as the Newcross Fire, which was aimed at black people. (One of the people were my aunty and it was her birthday).
Overall, if everybody just accpeted everyone else and there was no sterotypes, I believe everybody would make a good society.
Overall JudgementWell done. This is a really thoughtful and well-structured answer. You have successfully argued both for and against the statement, which is exactly what a good essay should do. I was particularly impressed by your use of a specific, powerful example – the New Cross Fire. Thank you for sharing the personal connection, it makes your point very memorable. To make your arguments even stronger next time, remember to explain *why* your evidence proves your point.
Try this: "Overall, while terrible events like the New Cross Fire show the problems prejudice can cause, I believe the benefits of diversity are greater if society works hard to encourage respect and understanding."
Two Stars ⭐⭐
Specific Historical Evidence: Your use of the New Cross Fire as an example was excellent. Using real-world facts like this makes your argument much more convincing and shows you've thought deeply about the topic.
Clear Two-Sided Structure: You did a great job of showing both sides of the argument by using the phrase 'On the other hand...'. This is a key skill for writing balanced essays and you've nailed it.
One Wish 💡
Explain Your Evidence: To reach the top band, try to explain *why* your evidence is so important. After giving an example like the New Cross Fire, add a sentence explaining how it supports your point, like: 'This shows that deep-seated prejudice can sometimes lead to terrible violence in a diverse society.'
🧠 Quick Check — unlock your full feedback
Answer 3 out of 4 questions correctly to see your annotated essay and score.
1. What made the argument about the 'problems' of multiculturalism particularly strong in this essay?
2. Which phrase did the student use to show they were about to argue the other side of the point?
3. What is the 'One Wish' or main target for improvement for this student's next essay?
4. The idea that different communities should mix and come together successfully is called...
5. What is a key benefit of a multicultural society that the student mentioned?
6. The term for judging someone unfairly before you know them, often based on stereotypes, is...
7. The feedback suggested a stronger conclusion. What makes a conclusion good?
8. This essay was placed in Band 3. According to the mark scheme, what does a 'Band 3' essay do?
Overall Class Weaknesses & Models
1. Lack of Specific Evidence: Many students made general statements without backing them up with concrete facts, names, or real-world examples. This makes their arguments less convincing. 👉 Model: For example, a specific festival that has become popular in Britain is Diwali, the Hindu festival of lights, which is now celebrated in cities like Leicester.
2. Underdeveloped Points: Students often stated a point but didn't explain its significance or impact. Adding a 'because...' or 'this is important because...' sentence adds crucial depth to their reasoning. 👉 Model: Having a diverse society is a benefit because it allows people to try new foods and experiences, which makes life more interesting and helps us to understand different traditions.
3. Failure to Explain Evidence: After providing an example, many students moved on without explaining *how* that piece of evidence proved their initial point. They need to explicitly connect the dots for the reader. 👉 Model: The Christian teaching of 'stewardship' is an example of a religious belief about animals. This shows that some religions believe humans have a special duty from God to protect and care for all creatures.
4. Weak Evaluation & Counter-Argument: Essays often lacked a clear counter-argument or a well-supported conclusion that weighed up both sides. Stronger essays consider opposing views to make a final, justified judgement. 👉 Model: Although some might argue that diversity can cause tension, I believe the benefits of cultural enrichment are more important because they help create a more tolerant and understanding society.
Teacher Next Steps
1. Evidence Hunt (for Specificity): Give students a general statement on the board (e.g., "Diversity brings new culture to the UK."). In pairs, they have 3 minutes to list as many *specific* examples as they can (e.g., Notting Hill Carnival, Chicken Tikka Masala, Reggae music). Share the best examples as a class to model moving from general to specific.
2. Because, But, So (for Developing Points): Provide a simple point (e.g., "It is good to learn about other religions."). Students must extend the sentence three times: once using "because...", once using "but...", and once using "so...". This quick-fire activity builds analytical thinking and develops reasoning.
3. P-E-E Connector (for Explaining Evidence): Display a Point and a piece of Evidence on the board. (P: Some religions teach that animals should be respected. E: The Hindu principle of 'ahimsa' means 'do no harm'.). Ask students to write one sentence connecting them, starting with "This shows that..." or "This proves the point because...".
4. Argument Tennis (for Evaluation): Split the class in two. Propose a statement (e.g., "Living in a diverse society is always a good thing."). One side serves a 'For' argument. The other must return with an 'Against' argument starting with "However...". Go back and forth for 5-6 points to practice building a two-sided argument.